How Snooki can Stop Violent and Sex-Crazed Children (and help you live a stress-free life)

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Wow, there’s this guy screaming in my ear. We were all enjoying a party. I was having fun. I was talking to people, overcoming my usual shyness, even making people laugh a little, when suddenly someone comes in, uninvited and starts screaming.

Suddenly, everyone stops their conversations and looks at the person screaming. The person screaming is not ugly or tall or short or anything. He’s just screaming. And he’s screaming non-stop things to make people worry. And he’s so loud we all forget the conversations we were having and now we’re only listening to him. I can’t get him out of my head now.

The media is ruining my party,  screaming all day long in our heads. The people in the media are not any smarter  than you. But their job is to be loud and to scare you. And they are so loud it crowds out all of your other thoughts. So suddenly the only things you can think to talk about is what the media is screaming about. Lets look at six crazy things the guy messing with my party is screaming:

A)     Food. Every year we get the same headline “Obesity is a worldwide epidemic”. Here’s a cover story from Time Magazine: America’s Obesity Epidemic.

Here’s three more “special issues” about this problem.

What did you say? Oh yeah, yesterday in the NY Times. There was an article about potato chip manufacturers are reducing the number of chips in a bag because of inflation and they aren’t telling us!

Oh my god! Where the hell are my chips!? They weren’t even TELLING ME?

I don’t get it. Are we going obese? Or are the illuminati cutting back on our chips?

Can the media help me answer these important questions?

By the way, you don’t have to trust me on this and I’m not going to cite sources: but the nationwide obesity rate has been going down for the past decade.

B)      Water. Did you hear there was this oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year? The entire Gulf was to be one sea of oil for the next one hundred years. So what happened? There’s no oil there now. They can’t even find any. The beaches are full again (with safety tips. Here’s one tip that you might need according to one newspaper in the area: “Avoid swimming in or near visible oil or tar balls.”. You might not have known about that one unless you read it in the paper). What happened? The NY Times told me I’d be covered from head to toe in oil if I even go near the Gulf. All the fish were supposed to die. Instead, the entire economy of the Gulf coast was destroyed by the media begging people not to have fun at the beaches.


Some more fun Water stuff. I read a headline the other day that San Franciscans might see water with radiation in it wash up on the coast there because of the leak in a fuel reactor rod 10,000 miles away. I actually know people who went to stay in a hotel in Nevada just to get away from all that “nuclear shit” for the weekend. Guess what. You went right into the frying pan, my friend. The USA blew up 928 nuclear bombs on Nevada from 1951-1962. That stuff has a half-life of only eighty million years. Good luck cleaning the nuclear gunk off your clothes when you get back to Cally.


C)      Culture. Here’s a recent headline I saw: “Celebrity culture is fueling sex and violence among children”. What? Like, how old? Five year olds?


Here’s another headline I saw (from the same major newspaper): “Larger than life Snooki wears a rather unflattering feather dress to her birthday party”.


Let  the violent sex begin!

By the way, according to one article I read (I’m a voracious reader of Snooki articles) , Snooki is “Chilean-American”. I’m really glad to see that Chilean-Americans are finally getting a break after all the racism they had to put up with.

One more “by the way”: in the same newspaper: “Paris Hilton says, ‘I don’t care if Kim Kardashian is more famous than me’ “ which I might add, is plagiarism because it is exactly what Winston Churchill said about Franklin Roosevelt in 1939. As they say, history doesn’t repeat, but it rhymes.

D)     Jobless recovery. Did you hear there were no jobs? We are undergoing a “jobless recovery” according to the media.


Go to this link:

Apparently after every recession since 1930 we’ve had a “jobless recovery” according to the media. And every time, guess what, wait for it, the jobs came back.


E. Love. Recent headline: “Divorce rates rise: curiousity and Facebook are culprits.” Whatever you do, DO NOT be curious. About anything. Because then your wife will hate you.

But before you worry about your husband checking out his high school girlfriend on Facebook, another headline: “Divorce rates at 30 year low.”

Which is good, because according to a book on Amazon with this title: “Married People are Happier”.


But wait, according to a Psychology Today headline: “Married people are no happier than singles.”

Ugh, now I’m confused again. Because I just got married.

F. Empire. My favorite pundit, Nouriel Roubini, is the media’s favorite go-to guy if they want national panic. Here’s a post he did a few years ago: on the decline of the American Empire.


Meanwhile, here’s a graphic of US military expenditures:



I’m not trying to justify America’s expenditures. In fact, as a % of GDP they are near all-time lows. But its just hard to imagine an empire declining when they are spending more on the military than the rest of the world combined. Fortunately the US is also the leader in technology, biotech, etc.

(territory size shows the proportion of scientific research published)

Who makes money off of all this panic?

Here’s the floor plans on Nouriel’s $5 mm apartment that he just bought:

I try to live as stress-free a life as possible. I don’t want anyone screaming in my face. It hurts my ears. It makes me confused. It makes me lie awake at night. I’d rather just sit here in the dark and figure out things for myself.


Follow me on Twitter for more amazing facts about Snooki throughout the day.


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  • Mortimer N. Cobblepop
  • WageFreedom

    James: you have just about convinced me to go long SPY. –Tom

  • Kamal Ravikant

    Brilliant post on media. I get my news curated through Twitter. I follow people I consider smart (or entertaining – i.e: Charlie Sheen) , and if they post something, I’ll check it out. Everything else, noise.

  • Jamie

    Mass psychology isn’t it??

    I’m just curious – what is your opinion on the Elliott Wave theory? I get the gist of it but otherwise have no real knowledge about it. I grew up with Bob Precther’s son…

    I’m diggin your blog as usual – keep on with it!

  • Gregory Mostizky

    Couldn’t agree more
    Lots of thumbs up

  • Tad Dunville

    Item: Every morning, my local Chicago-area AM radio CBS affiliate has a fear-monger headline about the Japanese radiation issues. Every morning, I turn on adult news and find out that said headline, when put in perspective, doesn’t mean much.

  • Guest

    Absolutely on the mark with this post. Media and marketing (every single form of both ) wants to keep you in a state of total stress and anticipation regarding their story or message de jour. A story topic that they chose, whatever they believe will convince you to “tune in”, or “click on,” or “buy,” or “share.”

    Eye balls, Clicks, Dollars and Discussions.

    It’s too much. It is totally disingenuous. And is of absolutely no worth, no value, it eats up precious time and cluster plucks your brain.

    I admit they had me for awhile but now I am free. I’m not playing anymore.

    P.S.I hate Face Book.

  • Brian

    What the Hell is a Snooki?

    • Doug

      Thats what I was going to ask

      • Doug

        BTW James – you got us hooked on PEN and he was doing a great job of explainen the nclur problem ——— and then he just vanished – is it that bad? has he gone over to help?

        • Mao_Junior

          you both know who and what a Snooki is…you both prolly need tans if you dont…BWHAAHAHAHA!

          • Doug

            well I dont have a clue

          • Mao_Junior

            my bad, doug….i helped out brian, so i feel obligated to offer you the same courtesy.

          • Brian

            I wouldn’t have asked the question if I already knew the answer.

          • Mao_Junior

            sorry, brian…maybe this will help ….

  • Anonymous

    Hype and bullshit. My DH hears me say it several times a day à propos of whatever H&B is currentlyy being peddled. Do they think we’re like the frogs in the slowly-warming-then-boiling water who don’t notice that they’re being cooked to death? We’re drowning in H&B. Thank god at least a few of us recognize it.

  • Paul

    The hype, the madness of crowds, the vendors of belief–ignore them all. I found out yesterday from my research methods professor that the placebo effect has risen dramatically since the 1980s. I believe this because the Economist says so:

    The less faith we have, the more gullible we are.

  • Anonymous

    Is there any chance that you could embed those pictures and infographics and maps with larger versions? I like to share the things you say with people, but most people are lazy and don’t like to read articles that are longer than 140 characters. However, infographics are easy to share, understand, etc.

    Just a thought.

  • Mao_Junior

    I picture Roubini spackling women’s derrieres with Nutella every time I see that Gene Simmons look-a-like on the internets.

    • Sooz

      My kids ask me to buy Nutello when I go to the market(apparently they have had it at friends). I, myself, have never bought or tried this product and am certain now that I never will just because when I pass the jar on the shelf I will think of Nutella spackled on ass…:))
      Thanks, Mao

  • pjc

    Heres a fun fact. The total oil spillage in the Deepwater Horizon “disaster” is about the same as the average, annual, aggregate spillage in the Gulf of Mexico.

    In other words, every year, without media spectacle, a certain amount of oil gets spilled in the Gulf. It comes from a bunch of different oil wells, it comes from the oil platforms, it even comes from innocent fishing boats. (Ever notice the little oil slick behind a motor boat?)

    Call the amount of “unnoticed” oil spilled in a year X.

    Call the amount of oil spilled from the Deepwater Horizon media spectacle disasster-fest Y.

    It turns out X is roughly equal to Y.

    This is courtesy of Raffi Khatchadourian’s article in the New Yorker a few weeks ago.

  • Andrea James

    This post cracked me up!! It is like screaming at a party!

    But criticizing the media is too easy, James! What are they supposed to do? Their revenue is tied to eyeballs — and eyeballs tend to seek out the sensational. We can’t help it, I suppose. We’re hard wired to care more about the scary stuff.

    This is why, when I was an aerospace reporter, I once wrote a story with this headline: “Newsflash: About 72,000 planes did NOT crash today”

    As for good sources of news. Two years ago, I cancelled my Time subscription and switched to The Economist. The Economist teaches me much about the world. My favorite article in the recent mag was about Tabasco sauce, and how everyone on the island makes the sauce and they have for generations.

    I think those folks like Tabasco, because it is its own topic over there, at The Economist.

  • amy

    A little off-topic but I thought you’d appreciate this, James, especially in light of what you’ve said about writing your books. This is Dennis Miller, on his radio show, on the thought of writing a book:

    “Let’s face facts, folks, and I know some of you are writers out there. It’s just drudgery isn’t it? Beautiful drudgery. Where you are locked to an oar on a galley ship and some days it’s attack speed and some days it’s tread-water speed and then, I guess when it really comes, you’re at ramming speed but inevitably you’re chained to the oar for around a year and that has to be a daunting prospect. “

    • James Altucher

      He’s really right.

  • amy

    Back on-topic. Thanks for this blog post. I loved it.

  • Brian Harper

    Terrific post

  • Gerald Gjini

    your amazing (in a non gay way)

  • Amirojuve

    in other words, stop wasting time on watching the news

    • James Altucher

      Yes, thats how i should’ve written it.

  • Scribe Stream

    The media isn’t fooling me.

  • GYSC

    Forget Snooki, Deena is where the action is! If it bleees it leads still holds I guess. The local news all the time now when I am trying to get the weather has all “breaking news” music and a stroy about a cat stuck in a tree. All news is breaking I guess.

    • James Altucher

      Hmm, I haven’t checked out Deena. I’m behind on my gossip!

  • RoBear

    James, James, James, As they say on the shore, What a HO! I read this nice article that I agree with completely. Then I look up and you are on Fuckin Kudlow. Are you kidding me?. Is his show not the loudest of them all? Of coarse you got your just desserts by only getting one line. Maybe you should send Larry this article. After all he is your main pimp. Yo!

  • TripleB

    Roubini just uses panic to lure the unsuspecting females into his lair.

  • Doc

    Our biggest problem in Gulf Shores last year was CNN.

  • Ben

    The amount of attention paid to Charlie Sheen or the upcoming Royal wedding astounds me neither are news worthy. I worry about the future of our country. The concept of the movie Idiocracy seems ever more plausible.

  • Steven L Goff

    I love panic! I was able to buy into $BP @ $28…when everybodyyyy said they were going to go bankrupt over spill.
    “when you are crying I am buying…when you are yelling…I am selling”

    • Abdul McGee

      Hello my BP brother. EASY money.

      • Steven L Goff

        Absolutely…I also knew when they announced cutting/suspending the divy at the time. That was going to be a very positive thing for the pps. Most (laymen) dont know that is retained cash ON bal sheet then. Stocked changed direction right then and there. Like you said > EASY MONEY

        They were never going to go broke. the could and did (I also said at the time…I have all these past post BTW) that they could sell off a fraction of their African continent resources and pay and damages/liability claims.

        Been LONG Royal Dutchy RDS-B forever also!

  • Abdul McGee

    I demand you stop this line of articles and thinking. If people stop believing the media panics, there will not be any easy money to be made.

    BP has destroyed the entire US economy, buy canned food, ammo and guns NOW. Flags optional.

  • dinosaurtrader

    Nice post, but undoubtedly, obesity rates are rising.

    Here, I looked it up.

    Fast food and video games a bad mixture.


  • Anonymous

    RE: “The Altucher CONFIDENTIAL”

    REPLY: The definition of “CONFIDENTIAL” is: “intended to be kept secret.”

    James, if you continue to tell everyone, how can all of this stuff be kept secret?

  • Aawood22

    Likening the media to a loud party guest with nothing to say is a great analogy, but I think you should give credit where credit is due. The idea is a rip off of the first few pages of George Saunders “Braindead Megaphone”.

  • Kjp712

    Word on the street is that the Big Mac will soon become ‘Lil Mac and Snooki will come out with her own perfume that smells like the Ocean.These Things are imminent.

  • Patd

    Why do you not guest on Bill Maher??
    Just a thought….
    he fosters satirical self-depricaticating leftist humor….
    I never miss a show…
    You would be Fab…

    • Patd

      forgot to include the descriptive adjective of..
      to the above post….

  • Rock

    Just awesome, great stuff.

  • Conreg

    A Snooki is that fat little slut in the picture…

  • Kbrec123

    This is certainly true, to some extent. However we need to be alert and aware of what is going on around us. the media is not always truthful or honest.
    If people finally realized that all the good principles for life are found in the 10 commandments,m people would have a much easier life!

  • Kalpesh Soni