I Want My Daughters to Be Lesbians

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The other day a little boy, 11 years old, grabbed the head of my 12 year old girl and forced her to kiss him. She didn’t want it to happen. As innocuous as it sounds, it was the first time her space had been invaded by someone of the opposite sex and it resulted in something very embarrassing and uncomfortable happening to her.And it was my fault.

I wanted to go to the 50th birthday party of a friend of mine. She didn’t want to go. She already had had a great day with her friends and she was tired. I argued: now you have to do what I want to do.

There were kids at the party so I thought they could play. She was shooting pool with me and I was on the other side of the pool table when the little boy came over and did his thing.

I couldn’t react fast enough. I didn’t even know how to react. But then I jumped over there and told the little boy to never kiss girls who didn’t want to be kissed and chased him away from Josie.

Josie wanted to leave the party right away. So we left. A few minutes later, in the car, she was crying and she didn’t know why she was crying. After we got home and parked I went into the back seat with her. I sat there next to her for a long time. She didn’t stop crying

Girls don’t know what goes on in the minds of boys and then men. Because of my rule “never go to weddings” I also never have been to a bachelor party. A friend of mine who is a stockbroker recently went to a bachelor party. “We all got a suite of rooms in Vegas,” he said. “And a couple of prostitutes came over and went room to room and yanked us off.” Maybe these are just stockbroker bachelor parties. I don’t know.

This is the world of guys. I’m telling mild stories. Guys who read this are thinking, “wow! He’s not even getting to the real stuff.”

I remember as a kid, three honor roll students at my lunch table discussing the pros and cons of the following question: “if a beautiful girl was sitting in a room alone, naked, would you rape her?” This is what little boys think about. Boys who grow into men.

Women have their problems too. No relationship is easy. But guys until a certain age are only after one thing. And for some guys, that age is 80 years old. They hide it well. And they get it wherever they can.

(Recently divorced billionaire, George Soros, with some new friends)

I love women. There’s nothing I would rather see than to see each of my daughters eventually bring home more women to share their lives with. Maybe I’m totally wrong and naive but I feel like women are nice to each other. The more women the better.

A couple of days later Josie was still upset. Would the boy talk about her in school? Would it happen again? Could she have avoided it? What should she have done? We talked some more for a bit. Then we went outside to play. Outside by the river, we ran into one of her best friends. They played soccer back and forth for about an hour.

When they were done, both girls were smiling.

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Follow me on twitter for more potentially offensive material.

P.s. I tried to think if this post would be offensive to anyone. Perhaps straight women because it questions their choices? But also reduces supply in the supply and demand equation so their value goes up. So scratch that. Straight men its offensive too, definitely. But they can handle it. Would it be offensive to lesbians? Probably not. As Larry David says, “I’m on the team!”

(the younger Larry David, performing standup)

P.P.S. It took me a couple of weeks to post this story. Everytime I considered posting it I got nervous for some reason. A few seconds ago I was looking at my daughters and I said something to them. I said, “its sad”. What’s sad, Daddy? “Its sad that one day all three of us will be dead.” They just looked at me. “But hopefully it will be me first. Hopefully I’ll be old and in some bed somewhere about to die and you two will be standing around the bed holding my hands. Maybe you’ll be making jokes to try to make me laugh.”

They didn’t say anything. Maybe they were bored. Maybe they were thinking, as they usually do, “I think Daddy is moving his mouth so he might be saying something but I’m too busy with other very important nine year old thoughts to listen to him.”

If that’s what they were thinking, then they were certainly correct.

 

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  • http://twitter.com/zaqqus Zach Dexter

    Here’s why this post would be/is offensive to straight men (and yes, we can handle it, but still):

    People tend to live up to the expectations set for them. When I was young, my parents taught me that I was always to be a gentleman. You can play rough and talk dirty around boys, but there are different rules for girls. You do not hit girls, you do not make unwanted advances toward them, etc.

    To be honest, that’s kind of a sexist mindset. Why should there be different rules for people based on what genitals they have?

    But that all pales in comparison to the most important thing I was taught: do unto others as you would have done unto you. The Golden Rule. This was part of my Christian faith, the same Christian faith that asks you to believe in things like talking snakes and a magic zombie demigod who saves you from your sins.

    I internalized all that stuff, the rational along with the irrational, because that’s what my parents taught me. They expected me to have a certain set of beliefs and behaviors, and naturally I wanted them to be pleased with me.

    It should come as no surprise, then, that I’ve made it this far in life without raping anyone, even though I have the same hormones as any other man.

    When boys (or men) exhibit unacceptable behavior, such as what you and your daughter witnessed, and we shrug it off as “boys will be boys” (which is my takeaway from this post), then what we’ve done is made that behavior a little bit more acceptable. It’s their hormones. They can’t help it. We expect boys to behave this way, and then we get offended when they live up to those expectations.

    Your daughter does not necessarily need to be gay in order to find a quality partner. What if she gets involved in an abusive lesbian relationship? They do exist. If she’s been taught to equate men with “naughty” and women with “nice,” how will she know when enough is enough?

    • Jean Paul

      I agree with you.

      But it goes deeper. James is definitely a very smart person when it comes to business.

      I’m not sure about his skills with women though…

  • http://twitter.com/zaqqus Zach Dexter

    Yes. Then, when they realize they aren’t made of glass, they will grow into strong, independent, fearless women.

  • lee

    Another great post and few thoughts to consider:

    I think the title of your post could easily be offensive to Lesbians and Gays alike as it perpetuates the false notion that people can/and do choose their sexual orientation. If you have any gay/lesbian friends ask them about this and most will have strong opinions on the matter.

    As for your daughter not understanding why she was crying, to be honest-and this is only my opinion, it sounds more like you projecting your own curiosity on her as a way to alleviate your guilt for forcing her to come with you. I know it’s all armchair psychology but I would bet you anything she knew very well why she was crying. After such a great day with her friends, you ruined it by exerting your power over her as an adult. Kids often cry over such things. Remember when it happened to you as a kid?

    As for your statement, “Maybe I’m totally wrong and naive but I feel like women are nice to each other.” Yes, they can be but I’ll let other women answer that…something about not resorting to physical violence makes other forms so much more lethal.

    Anyway, enjoying your streams of thought. Keep them coming!

    • http://www.squarepeaches.com Square Peaches

      As a woman, I can say that women are NOT that nice to each other. The psychological/emotional warfare they wage against each other is definitely just as bad as any physical violence. Backstabbing, rumor-mongering, alienation… it’s awful, especially for young girls who are trying to establish self esteem and boundaries. Just look through any number of mom-centric blogs/websites in existence. Women tear each other apart in an attempt to one-up one another.

      As the mother of two daughters, I try my best to nurture their self-esteem and to give them the tools to recognize toxic behavior in others — both male and female.

      My oldest (who is 13) now has a Facebook page, which we monitor regularly. I look at pages of girls in our neighborhood — my daughter is not even friends on FB with most of them — because I want to stay aware of any issues that may go on (I am shocked at how many of them have public pages to begin with) and am saddened at the behavior that goes on between some of these girls… the language, the taunting, threats of fights, etc. Of course, it may be worth noting that these very same girls come from homes that are not very stable to begin with, nor do they have involved/supportive parents. Which probably explains a lot right there. I try to take solace in the fact that our daughters live in a stable environment, with parents that love and respect each other. Having a loving, positive father as a role model goes a long way in raising daughters who will go on to choose the same type of partner for themselves.

      I do get scared, because she starts high school next year, and as a parent I want to protect her from as much as possible while at the same time I realize I cannot shelter her from life. So, the only thing we can do is share what we have learned, give her the tools necessary to make the best decisions possible, be supportive, and be present. The rest is out of our hands.

  • Paul

    Good story. Reminds me of the first time I was punched in the face against my will. Lots of physical things happen to kids against their will. It really shouldn’t be like that, but unfortunately that’s life.

    What the Stoics said was that what happens against our will does not truly affect our dignity, even if it costs us our lives. That’s a little extreme. But what matters is the choices we make, what we do have control over. That’s something I wish I learned earlier as a kid.

    • whynot

      well said. Too many people in this world do not understand that a raped girl is still a virgin–in the true moral sense of the word.

      If someone else forces sexual intercourse upon a sexually-innocent girl, morally, the girl is still pure from engaging in improper sexual activity before marriage. (Of course the emotional devastation can be difficult from which to heal. Still, many will be mind-f*cked from the devastation of divorce later in life too.)

      This is just an example; I know that many of you do not see any value in the term, virgin, or refraining from sexual activity before marriage. More power to you as you life your life according to your own conscience.

  • http://www.slopeofhope.com Tim Knight

    Hey, check it out! Two of my favorite blog writers! Although one still owes me an email (cough cough).

  • Xgene

    In a previous generation Altucher might have hoped that his daughter didn’t marry a black man. Now he hopes they don’t marry any man. Same bigotry. New target.

    “But they can handle it.” So that’s all right then.

    • http://www.facebook.com/james.altucher James Altucher

      Interesting perspective. I’m like a self-hating…man?

      • Ur123462001

        Men or women mind is same. Mind is the origin for any actions. Sexual feelings are gender neutral. What would you had done if she kissed him in the same manner?. Don’t you and his father make it a fun?. Is there a father or mother in this world care about it?. It’s actually boys need more care. It is another myth.

      • Jean Paul

        Actually you do sound like one… I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but you do sound like someone who has never been “popular with the ladies”.

        And you sort of hate “those bastards” who keep getting laid, even though they’re “assholes” ( As in, they’re “assholes” by your standards)

  • http://www.facebook.com/james.altucher James Altucher

    Here’s the Facebook comments on this link. I’m re-posting here:
    #
    Patricia Stout-Traina Buddy feels the same way.
    6 hours ago · LikeUnlike
    #
    David Levine I don’t know; maybe you should file this under “another reason not to have kids” instead of “I want my daughters to be lesbians”. I have a son, I hope that I will raise him well, but it is kind of like when you ride a motorcycle – which I don’t. The danger is everybody else.
    5 hours ago · LikeUnlike
    #
    James Altucher Ha. Great point.
    5 hours ago · LikeUnlike
    #
    David Levine seriously – if I could get over my fear of motorcycles and being paralyzed from the neck down, I could own a beautiful machine, faster and less expensive than almost any car, and now that I have a kid it seems less risky.
    5 hours ago · LikeUnlike
    #
    Michael Levin I want my daughter to be do or have whatever she wants…
    5 hours ago · LikeUnlike
    #
    Ann Jessica Lien Ha,ha! Smart to post that after you got married!
    5 hours ago · UnlikeLike · 1 personLoading…
    #
    Jayne Whittles I found this a really touching post and honest….. I have three teenage sons….eesh….
    4 hours ago · LikeUnlike
    #
    Amanda Katz It’s also really important to teach girls that a lot of boys are NOT jerks, and that, assuming they’re in the 95% of ladies who end up with guys, they should just hold out for someone great. It can be counterproductive to tell them that all men are scum. It’s just some men. (Some women, too.)
    about an hour ago · LikeUnlike · 1 personLoading…
    #
    James Altucher I teach by example. The rest is going to be up to them. But hopefully the world is nice to them as they grow older. Men and women both.
    about an hour ago · LikeUnlike
    #
    Rebecca Carman Blecman
    This was an excellent post. I think sometimes when I get caught up in some of the ugliness that happens in marriage and realize that I have four sons…well, I love my sons. I WANT THEM to know that they are valuable young men. And then …I think of the power of mothers and how my husband’s mother was responsible for so much in the same way my father was responsible for other crap. So I back down almost humbly and generalize less. (Well, not on a really good bitch day). But I want my sons to feel their power and I want my daughter to grow up respecting men. I realize culpability to the idea of gender respect.

    You were part of a really important conversation with your daughter. That is true parenting. And hopefully the parents of this boy might be part of the conversation with him. Post away. :)See More
    about an hour ago · LikeUnlike
    #
    Ken Denno James, I must say this about your articles. They always have interesting titles. And, that’s an understatement. Keep on posting.
    29 minutes ago · Like

  • PatD

    Kudo’s to you for exploring these relationship aspects w/your daughters @ this age…The older they get ..it gets more complicated and we as parents eventually get ousted as the manager of their lives….and are designated to the consultant bleachers….(if we are lucky)…
    its the natural order of things….(so I’ve been told) and being a consultant is a sign we did things productively
    enjoy your managerial position while you have it..!!!
    our hearts will always be susceptible to the ups and downs of our childrens plights…no matter how old they are..
    and IMHO…thats the way it should be…

    • http://www.facebook.com/james.altucher James Altucher

      I’m afraid of it getting more complicated. My 12 year old becomes a teenager next year. I’m scared.

    • http://www.facebook.com/james.altucher James Altucher

      I’m afraid of it getting more complicated. My 12 year old becomes a teenager next year. I’m scared.

      • Jaynie

        James, direct your daughter to read the posts at “The Lost Art of Self Preservation (for Women)” blog – beginning with this post and its links [ http://grerp.blogspot.com/2011/04/best-of-tlaos-pfw.html ]

        This young woman is writing some powerful ideas for the young women of today.

    • whynot

      Well said.
      I read that parents are the top adviser 0-13.
      School, civic, religious, sports leaders have equal weighting 14-15.
      These outside role models, good or bad, have *more* weighting 16-17.
      And, of course, the parents are fired at age 18, even if they continue working at it.

      Moral: find/cultivate good role models in your community for your children to interact.

  • Karthik

    If Obama did not start war with Libya there would have been a huge massacre. He prevented it.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YXDKGXGVBE2UZBLNBLKTFS73NU John Giner

      There are massacres all over the world everyday especially in places like Syria and Kenya. Its tragic that it happens, but the US cannot be the world’s policeman to swoop in to save the day when it happens. The Libyan people need to figure these things out for themselves. The US has spent billions of dollars to arm and equip the various Arab nations like Egypt and Saudi Arabia. It is those countries that should have taken action as they are neighbors to Libya. I believe the Arab league should be the ones spearheading the action, but not the United States. I say to provide support in ways of intelligence, but not direct military support otherwise you get involved in these prolonged conflicts that will never end.

      I do not support massacres or genocide, but I do know that we have our own problems in the United States and by getting involved in these prolonged battles with these third world nations threatens our security. American boys should not be sent halfway across the world to do a job that Arab boys should be doing. Let the Saudis handle it. Let the Egyptians handle it. This is not where we live and not our fight.

      • Jean Paul

        Agreed.

    • Jeff

      Please do not feed the toll.

  • Kkchristy

    Teach your daughters to value the right things in men and themselves and the won’t be as vulnerable to predators. Male or female, because gay women have their share of abusers too.

  • Alex

    Tell your daughters what to expect in relationships they way you’d want it to happen to them. Tell it as a dream you have for them. You have great control over their expectations, and what they expect is what they will be looking for and ultimately going for.

    • http://www.facebook.com/james.altucher James Altucher

      Good advice. I will.

    • http://www.facebook.com/james.altucher James Altucher

      Good advice. I will.

  • Paul M

    James, the best insight I ever got before I became a dad (I have 17 y.o. daughter, 14 y.o. son) was don’t worry that they hear what you say, worry that they are watching everything that you do…….this 11 year old boy somewhere got the message that it was ok to force himself on women. That is neither your fault, nor your daughter’s. Our mission as dads is to model the conduct we wish to see in our children, and then teach them not to tolerate mistreatment at the hands of others.

    25 years ago in college I used to see women tolerate (and in many cases, gravitate towards) young men who were disrespectful, or even downright abusive towards them. For some reason, these young women thought that type of conduct was powerful, and they were attracted to it. Somehow, I think that many of these women now in their 40s don’t think much of men.

    As my daughter heads off to college this fall, I am 100% certain that at some point in the next few years some young man will mistreat her in some way. What I hope and pray for is that at precisely the moment that happens, she will send him packing, because she knows from being raised by her mom and me that she is not to be mistreated in any way. I think that’s all we can really hope for as parents.

    • http://www.facebook.com/james.altucher James Altucher

      Paul, thanks. It gives me shivers when you say “100%” but you are probably right. And you are right in your advice. Thanks.

    • http://www.facebook.com/james.altucher James Altucher

      Paul, thanks. It gives me shivers when you say “100%” but you are probably right. And you are right in your advice. Thanks.

      • Dosjeffe

        hope yopu have a lot of fun out there-JUst remember theres alot of bad and beware – evbody was kung foo fighting

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YXDKGXGVBE2UZBLNBLKTFS73NU John Giner

    Hey James, dont worry if your post is offensive or not. We have come to expect this style from your posts. Personally, I dont think you are crazy, but just eclectic and creative in how you communicate which seems fairly typical of tech-industry insiders.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YXDKGXGVBE2UZBLNBLKTFS73NU John Giner

    Hey James, dont worry if your post is offensive or not. We have come to expect this style from your posts. Personally, I dont think you are crazy, but just eclectic and creative in how you communicate which seems fairly typical of tech-industry insiders.

  • Reba

    Thank you so much for this post. Teaching your daughters to be strong, not just in martial arts (which I would highly recommend), but in themselves is their greatest defensive. Too teach them to believe that they are so incredibly wonderful that they only deserve the very best. Let them know that their dreams matter, that what they see as important matters, that who they want to be matters. If everything that they are is important to you and your wife that will be an excellent start for them to learn their own value. And have them take martial. Think about that situation if your daughter had been able to stop that boy on her own — maybe instead of feeling scared and invaded, shed would have felt powerful and proud of how she handled the situation. thank you again for your honesty.

  • Marie

    I can’t plow through all the comments right now so somebody has probably already said this. Eh. Anyway, 2 points: Young people in the U. S. live in sort of a limbo time right now. Women are supposed to stand up for themselves, even defend themselves physically, but violence is frowned upon, especially in school. In general, that’s a good thing, but the typical young girl doesn’t really learn how to fight, not in a martial arts way, but just a good old shove and/or punch or even kick to the nether regions, which is all it takes to discourage many wimpy, sex-mad young boys.

    My kids were homeschooled and, yeah, you go ahead and laugh at all the nerdy homeschoolers you see, but the kids my kids hang out with (yeah, they have friends–get real) play the kind of games I played as a kid, when we actually had “recess” and ran around like wild dogs, knocking each other over and tumbling and wrestling and nobody said anything unless somebody got hurt, which mostly we didn’t, at least not seriously.

    The point is, the first time a boy kissed me without warning, I punched him in the stomach. Mind you, I’ve put up with a lot of crap since then, so I didn’t learn the lesson well, but I’ve taught my daughter how to appropriately respond to inappropriate behavior, and I’ve taught my sons how to NOT behave inappropriately.

    And, may I add, my children (who are now 18 and 14) are nice kids who are quite popular in their circles. Just don’t mess with them.

    Point 2: Many lesbians are lovely and gentle (some of my best friends are lesbians–truly), but let me assure you, you are painting with a broad brush. I used to work at a crisis hot line and we received frequent calls from lesbian women who were assaulted emotionally, physically and, yes, sexually, by other lesbians.

    So, whoever your daughters keep company with, you should tell them to pick well. And if they don’t want to keep company with someone, teach them how to do that too.

    • Jean Paul

      Thank you! This is by far the best comment I’ve read today.

      By the way, I’m with you about the “punch in the stomach thing” – it’s the right thing to do!

  • http://profiles.google.com/twillis2252 Tom Willis

    James,
    I promise you one thing…It does not get any easier…but good luck anyway…Been there and done that!

  • Jonathan0183

    I’m sorry that happened to your daughter, but you have a lot more patience than I would have. After I got done slapping the sh#t out of that kid, I would lay into whoever the parents/guardians are. And right after I got done referring to that little sh#t as everything from a a$$hole to a date rapist, I would tell them to leave or you can call DCFS because there are obviously problems at home.

    I could care less what their reasoning is. We were all boys once, and all 12 years old. You know the difference between right and wrong. If you can’t learn and/or exercise self-control, it’s your problem. When that manifests itself with MY DAUGHTER, it’s now my problem. I solve my problems.

    Good luck, and I hope the incident hasn’t been too damaging to your daughter or your family.

    And I agree, it doesn’t get any better once those boys grow up. Just ask the last di@khead who tried touching my wife in a bar when we were out having a drink together. I hope his stitches didn’t leave a scar. And to anyone reading this with the mindset “Violence doesn’t solve anything,” be honest when you answer this question, “What would you do if some drunk scumbag put his hands on your wife/daughter?”

  • Anonymous

    Dude, I’m usually with you, but you lost me with this one. The Mindf%ck that girls of all ages do to each other is ten times worse than the stupid physical stuff boys do.

    • Elz_84

      oh, so talking trash and gossip is worse than sexual harassment and rape? Come on man.

      • Anonymous

        but the point is, whether our daughters decide to marry another woman or another man doesn’t affect the actions of men- sexual harrassment and rape are probably even worse toward lesbians.

      • Anonymous

        but the point is, whether our daughters decide to marry another woman or another man doesn’t affect the actions of men- sexual harrassment and rape are probably even worse toward lesbians.

      • Jerome

        Do you live under a rock? Have you not seen all the new stories about kids committing suicide because of bullying? Girls use cyber bullying to mock, make fun of, ridicule and torture other girls and some of those victims take their own lives. So for you to say “talking trash and gossip” isn’t bad is completely false.

      • Jeff

        Women rape women. It’s not even uncommon.

    • Elz_84

      oh, so talking trash and gossip is worse than sexual harassment and rape? Come on man.

  • Annevitiello

    Hey John,

    Thank you for sharing your perspective check. War is hell, and it seems you feel strongly about that.

    I have a perspective check for you.

    Is this really the forum you want for your political debate: Reacting to the unfortunate social/emotional pain of an innocent 12 year old girl?

    That kiss wasn’t a kiss, John. It was a violation. Yes, there are worse violations in life. So what.

    If you want to rail about Obama or play the pointless game of topping a painful incident with a list of whatever might be worse, you are not responding to the post, you are just being a jerk.

    Also, I question your statement about being “happy” that my daughter has nothing to worry about other than dodging kisses. You are not happy, you are judging. And she is not a debutante fielding admirers, she is an adorable, awkward tween who got jumped at a party. You don’t get it.

    Think: That was the first time she had anything close to intimate contact with a boy. She is a sweet, sensitive kid. That stupid incident is something she will definitely overcome, but it is nowhere near the memory I would have hoped her to have of a “first kiss,” and by mocking it you show yourself deserving of a smack upside the head.

    Very Truly Yours,
    Josie’s Mom

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YXDKGXGVBE2UZBLNBLKTFS73NU John Giner

      Im not mocking what happened, but I have seen a lot worse things in life by far. My experience in this world goes beyond suburban America and I know whats out there way beyond. Believe me when I say that if this is the most troubling experience you have encountered with your daughter then you should be extremely happy. There are some parents out there that would envy your position.

      In regards to “violations”. That wasnt really a violation. I’ve seen and experienced things a lot worse. People have touched me in my lifetime and I would be thankful if the touching I had to fend off was someone trying to plant a kiss on me.

      Just be very thankful of all the folks who keep you safe in suburban America and minimize your exposure. These folks out there, like our soldiers and police officers, have to worry about more then just someone stealing a kiss. I want my family to experience a little bit of the rough stuff to include these violations because I want them to be ready for when the truly bad stuff hits the fan.

      • http://twitter.com/lexiqa lexiqa

        although that kiss wasn’t as “serious” violation of personal space in your dictionary, isn’t your argument the same as telling a rape victim “wow, just be glad that it wasn’t 10 men raping you.” ??

        WTF

        just get real. this is not the right time nor place to be preaching all the world’s problems. 

      • http://twitter.com/lexiqa lexiqa

        although that kiss wasn’t as “serious” violation of personal space in your dictionary, isn’t your argument the same as telling a rape victim “wow, just be glad that it wasn’t 10 men raping you.” ??

        WTF

        just get real. this is not the right time nor place to be preaching all the world’s problems. 

    • whynot

      I must side with John on this one, (except for obtusely drawing in national politics over whether Obama is functioning well as the President of the US.)

      Anne, I think it is wonderful that you and James have great love for Josie and hope that she grows up happy and loved in this cruel world.

      “That kiss wasn’t a kiss?” How delusional are you? It obviously was a violation because of the receiver’s perception of it (Josie’s). However, how dare you contrive the motivations in the little 10-year-old boy! Shame on you!

      I was once unfairly ‘assaulted’ by a 6 year old friend of mine when I was that age. She kissed me. I was not expecting it and had not consented to it. When I talk of my “first kiss”–this incident is completely irrelevant.

      As a guy, if I would have presented a clearly written release of liability to every woman I have kissed, before carrying out the said transaction, I would be one of those odd men who never get to experience the magic of such an interpersonal connection. No, kisses are not really consensual, but moments of interpersonal communication. I have a gay friend who occasionally, pats my arm during communication–unlike most any heterosexual guy-friend would ever do. However, I understand his context of delivering his message through a bit of physical touch–I do not freak out that I have been violated or question my sexuality over a simple human contact. Some other men would deck the guy.

      Yes. All the other horrible events of the world does not calm Josie’s feelings when she is in the middle of experiencing her embarrassing, overly-forward moment. Nevertheless, John is right about the perspective check. James portrayed his actions well–he took in the disturbance of his daughter sensitively and sensibly.

  • Steven L Goff

    A must read as to why some of the younger generations have different and more violent sex-pectations or woman today. Gail Dines wrote it. I have some comments about it also include below.
    Guys and girls today grow up learning about sex from what they see on the Internet. I have to tell ya > there is some twisted stuff out there that these girls do today….and they think it is the norm. Great read below and a great book.

    How porn is warping a generation of men
    By GAIL DINES

    Last Updated: 5:20 AM, July 11, 2010

    http://www.nypost.com/p/news/opinion/opedcolumnists/how_porn_is_warping_generation_of_dRhzBsl8CJFGS3ytfeMAqI

    Steve Goff…March 15 at 1:46am on FB
    “I just got done flipping through some Internet porn. I have to tell ya, I am concerned greatly. The girls and their guy counterparts are noticeably younger than the last few years. Dramatically younger… looking! I just cant for the life imagine that these beutiful girls must do some of that heinous stuff/acts to make a …buck. Are the jobs looking that bad in USA for younger folks?”

    • whynot

      You are deluding yourself if you think that this is an effect that it occurring only in the USA, or that the effect comes from a lack of employment opportunities.

      It turns out that greed works during all phases of the economic cycle.

  • Mayuresh Gaikwad

    Send her to martial arts as Marc mentioned. And if you are worried of a similar thing happening there, send her to one where the instructor is a lady – there are many such classes all over the US. Does not matter which martial art, all of them are quite effective – Taekwando, Karate, Kungfu… take your pick and send her to a lady instructor

  • MLB

    James,

    As a father to three young girls, this is the sort of thing that worries the crap out of me. I can rationalize that my girls will undoubtedly suffer indignities at the hands (and lips) of many foolish boys and live to laugh about it in future years. However, that doesn’t really provide me (or them) any comfort as these things happen. I have no good idea how to prevent such nonsense, nor how to respond when it happens. I’m afraid that my overreaction may be worse than the initial event. I am truly blessed to have my girls, but sometimes fear that having them is some sort of cosmic payback for my adolescent (and later)thoughts and behavior.

    Thanks for your work.

    • whynot

      Perhaps you should worry about the great harm that your daughters will one day do to others. How can you guide them properly in their ethical upbringing so that they will hopefully choose wise action and choices. Perhaps, if you are a lucky father, they will not be instigators of much hurt towards others. Instead, they will be mostly wise and kind. Then again ultimately, your daughters are agents unto themselves and must morally and ethically answer the consequences for their decisions. You, the father, are not part of that.

  • Ur123462001

    Great!. What a selfishness.

  • Jaynie

    Joan, yes, great comment.

    And, yes, I too have the same hopes for my son .. that he will “find a real woman, not a whiny princess or a self-centered creature [I might add too, a party girl ] — for [his] happiness and fulfillment. ” It seems that your son found a wonderful, real woman who has wonderful men in her live who taught her to respect and not bash men.

    Ever since he’s been a small fellow, my teen son has dreamed of his future family. And once he becomes a man, he will have to be wise to woman to marry a woman who will create a healthy familiy with him. My brother was the same way, talked about his future famliy when he was small, and he ended up marrying a woman who has strong ideas of family, but she has many failings that have split my brother from the rest of us.

    It is so interesting to read this article after having discovered on the web the whole idea of “game” as men’s reaction to women who bed alpha males and treat beta males like garbage – through cheating, punitive divorces and abuse of custody.

    Double sided coin as a reaction to the coarsening of our culture perhaps.

    • Ur123462001

      Great. Stupid and emotional guys like James need to learn a lot. The expression of 10th boys love is brutally mishandled in this forum.

    • Jerome

      How are either of her comments “good”? The first story is about a guy who went on one date with a chick and already was thinking about getting married. Yes, for some the point of dating is to find someone to marry but good lord, how about you get to know the person before you even think about getting married? I bet if he said that same thing after the first date to 100 women, at least 95 would never want to go out with him again.

      The second story is about a surgeon who made a lot of money but decided to give it up and move his family away from EVERYONE so he could keep his daughter locked up and away from all those horrible guys. Yeah, this is a great story (sarcasm). Come on, this guy is the ultimate overprotective father and I bet his daughter a)gets pregnant within a year of leaving the house, b)becomes a stripper, c)gets married to the first guy she dates, gets a divorce and repeats this process over and over. I understand as a father you are extremely protective of your kids, daughters much more than sons but this is beyond extreme. There are folk tales about things like this. Rapunzel anyone? (instead of the witch it’s the father)

  • Angelin993

    Glad someone put this “serious” incident in perspective. Have we really become so wimpy that an uninvited kiss causes extreme angst/.

    • Jeff

      Yes, I mean all those women who get raped, they just need to stop being so wimpy. When did society get so soft?

  • Ericakhodorkovsky

    …I think your works are awesome. I’m not certain why its so difficult for people to understand your line of thinking but I do. I’ve debated with my husband for quite some time now, that owning is not what its cracked up to be. My stance on charity has always been that writing a check does very little to change anyones life. College…well, I just know that when we do have children he/she will more options than my bank account (military, scholarships etc.) although I haven’t excluded parental means. For me, reading and understanding your blogs is effortless. I really love the way you think. I guess partly because of the parallels, lol…

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/E6B5U6FTMFXFTNA747IA2BQGLI Mark B

    I have a son. A girl pretended to like him and they went out for a month. After that, she took half his money and shook him down monthly for more. The girl and her friends giggled about the extortion, clearly looking forward to the financial rape of all men in the future.

    She then lied about his hitting her and made him pay her more or else she was going to tell the principal. She knew there would be no punishment for her false accusation. That is what girls do.

    I hope my son grows up gay.

    • MM

      While I hate to paint with a broad brush, it’s overwhelmingly clear that the in instances of extortion amongst heterosexual couples women usually are the perpetrators. One can only hope that if your son’s principal had any spine he would first investigate the matter and then take appropriate action. This behavior if left unchecked leads to gold diggers and other women like the maid who accused DSK

      • Jeff

        What makes you assume the principal is male?
        Perhaps this principal is female. Perhaps she saw other girls manipulate guys in highschool and now sees right through this young girl?

        You seem pretty certain that “the in instances of extortion amongst heterosexual couples women usually are the perpetrators” I challenge this. Can you tell us how you came about this information? Was it personal experience? Is there a study you can link to? I simply don’t believe it and I would like more information so I can correct myself if I am wrong.

  • http://hollyfarnham.com Holly Farnham

    I cant say that I read every single comment but I did notice some people trivializing the topic. I want to say that as a 22-year-old woman that while this wasn’t a “massacre” and this girl appears to have a loving home and sensitive father, I identify with her and it is a big deal.

    Men, and women, don’t realize how painful harassment (even when its not physical abuse) can be to a person. When I was 12 boys made fun of me, then they started hitting on me, and they haven’t stopped. Like Josie, as a self respecting person, I let them know when its inappropriate, and more often than not they respond by talking down to me. Men my fathers age have responded to me by harassing me at work, calling my superiors, and calling the superiors of my family members to demean me, all because I refuse their advances.

    My point is , although that person is clearly deranged. It does not feel good to be a smart, kind, funny and ambitious girl and only be told how great her legs are. To be honest it kind of makes you want to die. It doesn’t stop with one person, the ideology is still there, it needs to be removed and it’s okay for kids to know that.

    I like this post and I am glad I read it.

    • whynot

      I think that you need to separate 2 effects that you are noting here:

      #1 It is morally wrong for other to harass you and demean you when you refuse romantic advances.

      #2 It is not morally wrong for someone to tell you how great your legs are. Many dream that this would be said to them. I am a guy; at age 17, a young woman at our church social said it too me–I was flattered and have not forgotten it 25 years later.
      Though, it is simplistic–why argue over the truth? Still in our progressive society, men often must make the first advance for a romantic relationship. They are told to compliment women, and at first interest, they have nothing to analyze because the woman has not yet assented to allowing the man to learn more about them. So, they throw a Hail Mary: “You have nice legs.”
      To paraphrase something that Hefner once responded to Steinem: “Of course women are sexual objects–but they are so much more on many dimensions.” (BTW, men are sexual objects as well.)

      Anyway, I thought it would be better for society to focus more on fixing #1 then #2.

      • Jeff

        While I agree with you, I stop just short of “nice legs” as a first advance. That is a particularly forward and sexually aggressive first move, as “nice legs” has the same connotation as “nice ass” and “nice tits”. Just like ass and tits, our society still sees a woman’s legs as sexual body parts – as they are connected to ass and vagina.

        Why not compliment the women on something rather than physical appearance? Of course, if you are picking up women as a bar or party you may not have the opportunity to compliment anything but physical appearance. If you MUST use physical appearance, why not something innocuous like eyes or hair? Or compliment her clothing, shoes or purse. This is a better option because those are things she made decisions on (not something she has no control over, like eyes) and it opens up the chance for dialogue.

        Or still better: Open with something other than a compliment. Of course, this requires some work, as you will have to pay attention to what she does and what is going on around her (as opposed to just what she looks like).

        • Jean Paul

          Just so you know… legs and ass are sexual body parts. Here is the thing: in reality, if you want to have sex with women, you need to compliment them on their body parts.

          The problems is modern feminists and other frustrated (unattractive?) groups have made women feel that it’s wrong for them to enjoy this kind of attention.

          That’s why romance novels sell so well – women get to dream about a fantasy that the real world forbids them.

          Also, many men are surprised when women leave them after they treat them so “nice”. Well, you have to choose – be a Nice, good man” that the society advocates or keep your woman.

          To be fair though, modern women have been brainwashed to the degree that they will ask for a divorce just because they’re bored.

          • Jamie

            Well given that I’m a women, a modern feminist (one that enjoys sex and sexuality), and actually fairly attractive (a petite blond under 115 pounds), I’m going to go with my advice over yours.

            While I have no the time to address all your misogynistic statements on behalf of all women, I will give you an over-arching response.

            Here’s what you don’t get: women are not a prize to be won. There is no “trick” to picking up women. There is no secret to being a “nice guy” or a “bad boy”. You don’t get to “keep” women because they are not objects. They are people. Who are looking to love other people.

            So instead of moaning about how you are a nice guy who never gets laid – and are therefore “forced” to be a “bad boy”, you should start working on your personality, focus on being a “Good Person” (not a “nice guy”) and try to remember that women are people, not objects.

          • Jean Paul

            Here is the thing: I am not forced to be a bad boy. I like being a bad boy.

            I agree with you – there is no trick to pick up women. I know this because I have enough women, and they all find me naturally attractive – no tricks.

            I don’t give a fuck about being a “good person”. I’m more concerned about following my own principles and moral standards.

            As for misogyny – can you please point it out in my comments? I’m not sure what you’re referring too.

            By the way, fairly attractive is not the same as hot.

          • Jamie

            Eeehhhhh, you’re just not getting it dude. Not gonna bother explaining because if you don’t get how calling feminists unattractive is completely and totally sexist, then I can only assume you are about as smart as a wet carrot, and have the personality to match.

            Also, I’m totally hot. It matters not to me if you think I’m ugly because this is the internet and I have no way to prove it, nor do I feel the need to. If you wanna think I’m ugly because it makes you happier, thats fine. Just know you’d be wrong.

          • Jean Paul

            First of all, feminists could be men or women, so I don’t see how it’s sexist.

            I never said you were ugly – plus, I don’t think you should use a description of your body as proof of your attractiveness. It sort of negates your first arguments about women’s body parts.

            And finally, thank you for comparing my intellect to a wet carrot – I take it as a compliment (as well as a great demonstration of your ability to make a solid intellectual argument)

  • http://hollyfarnham.com Holly Farnham

    I cant say that I read every single comment but I did notice some people trivializing the topic. I want to say that as a 22-year-old woman that while this wasn’t a “massacre” and this girl appears to have a loving home and sensitive father, I identify with her and it is a big deal.

    Men, and women, don’t realize how painful harassment (even when its not physical abuse) can be to a person. When I was 12 boys made fun of me, then they started hitting on me, and they haven’t stopped. Like Josie, as a self respecting person, I let them know when its inappropriate, and more often than not they respond by talking down to me. Men my fathers age have responded to me by harassing me at work, calling my superiors, and calling the superiors of my family members to demean me, all because I refuse their advances.

    My point is , although that person is clearly deranged. It does not feel good to be a smart, kind, funny and ambitious girl and only be told how great her legs are. To be honest it kind of makes you want to die. It doesn’t stop with one person, the ideology is still there, it needs to be removed and it’s okay for kids to know that.

    I like this post and I am glad I read it.

  • http://hollyfarnham.com Holly Farnham

    I cant say that I read every single comment but I did notice some people trivializing the topic. I want to say that as a 22-year-old woman that while this wasn’t a “massacre” and this girl appears to have a loving home and sensitive father, I identify with her and it is a big deal.

    Men, and women, don’t realize how painful harassment (even when its not physical abuse) can be to a person. When I was 12 boys made fun of me, then they started hitting on me, and they haven’t stopped. Like Josie, as a self respecting person, I let them know when its inappropriate, and more often than not they respond by talking down to me. Men my fathers age have responded to me by harassing me at work, calling my superiors, and calling the superiors of my family members to demean me, all because I refuse their advances.

    My point is , although that person is clearly deranged. It does not feel good to be a smart, kind, funny and ambitious girl and only be told how great her legs are. To be honest it kind of makes you want to die. It doesn’t stop with one person, the ideology is still there, it needs to be removed and it’s okay for kids to know that.

    I like this post and I am glad I read it.

  • Katt

    http://www.impactselfdefense.org/

    They have programs for kids and adults to learn how to protect themselves. You didn’t do anything wrong, so stop blaming yourself. And remember, girls can hurt other girls too. Just as boys can hurt other boys. The best we can do is teach both our girls and boys to take care of themselves and others. And remember, the more supportive of them you are, the easier it is for them to recover from stuff. She forgives you for not being Superman and protecting her in every situation, try to forgive yourself.

  • Katt

    http://www.impactselfdefense.org/

    They have programs for kids and adults to learn how to protect themselves. You didn’t do anything wrong, so stop blaming yourself. And remember, girls can hurt other girls too. Just as boys can hurt other boys. The best we can do is teach both our girls and boys to take care of themselves and others. And remember, the more supportive of them you are, the easier it is for them to recover from stuff. She forgives you for not being Superman and protecting her in every situation, try to forgive yourself.

  • DogMama

    I’m sort of sad that my daughter IS lesbian. I love her partner like another daughter and they have a good life. But I’m sad that she will never know the pleasures of loving a man, never get pregnant and have a baby, never feel fully like she’s part of the ‘normal’ world. It was hard when she came out, because I just do not understand the concept of loving women physically. For me a gay son would have been easier to understand. But she’s happy and in the end that’s all I really care about. But don’t wish the difficulties my daughter has had to endure on your daughters. Just let them go their own way, even if sometimes they get hurt. It’s the only way they’ll ever be happy and I’m sure for you that’s the only thing that counts.

  • DogMama

    I’m sort of sad that my daughter IS lesbian. I love her partner like another daughter and they have a good life. But I’m sad that she will never know the pleasures of loving a man, never get pregnant and have a baby, never feel fully like she’s part of the ‘normal’ world. It was hard when she came out, because I just do not understand the concept of loving women physically. For me a gay son would have been easier to understand. But she’s happy and in the end that’s all I really care about. But don’t wish the difficulties my daughter has had to endure on your daughters. Just let them go their own way, even if sometimes they get hurt. It’s the only way they’ll ever be happy and I’m sure for you that’s the only thing that counts.

  • DogMama

    I’m sort of sad that my daughter IS lesbian. I love her partner like another daughter and they have a good life. But I’m sad that she will never know the pleasures of loving a man, never get pregnant and have a baby, never feel fully like she’s part of the ‘normal’ world. It was hard when she came out, because I just do not understand the concept of loving women physically. For me a gay son would have been easier to understand. But she’s happy and in the end that’s all I really care about. But don’t wish the difficulties my daughter has had to endure on your daughters. Just let them go their own way, even if sometimes they get hurt. It’s the only way they’ll ever be happy and I’m sure for you that’s the only thing that counts.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Barrie-Abalard/100001657751898 Barrie Abalard

    James, so many women and girls have been kissed/fondled/worse against their will, you wouldn’t believe it. Over half the women I know have something like this (or worse, much worse) in their backgrounds, including me. And this is in an supposedly enlightened western country.

    If you’re a woman and you love men, you realize at some point that an awful lot of them could turn on you and force themselves on you in some way. Even ones you love. It’s just something you have to be honest with yourself about. Sure, some might have to be drunk to do it, but the possibility is always there.

    I don’t mean to bash men. I love men and have enjoyed a healthy share of them over the years. I only mean to be honest–with a lot of males, the possibility is always there.

  • Faelerin

    You should have gotten nervous. I’m an LGBT youth, and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Do you understand the challenges and confrontations we have to have? Think about your daughter for a second- do you really want people walking past in the hallway to shout “dyke” and “lesbo” at her? Do you want some guy to try to “teach her a lesson”?
    Some of these things we fight. Some I’ve fought personally. Don’t wish hardship on people, especially not your daughters.

  • George Hostler

    My daughter when in 6th grade had a boy come up to her and say, “I want to date you”. She told him, “You can date me when I am in college, if you make it.” She is now is pre-med at college.

    • JackBlack

      That’s the story she told you. What she didn’t tell you was that she blew him under the bleachers by the football field.

    • whynot

      You are proud of the nastiness that came out of your 6th-grade daughter?

      Instead of an unacknowledged lunge for a kiss, the boy respectfully asked, “I want to date you, [how about it]?” She turned him down, which was fine, but not without demeaning him by questioning whether he will be worthy enough later in life: “if you make it.”

      B*tches like your daughter end up abused because they think verbal assault is perfectly legitimate, but immune from any consequences of her putrid character. So what that she is in pre-med; I have met incredibly wealthy, career-successful men&women for whom I have absolutely no respect. She joined a lowly crowd.

      • Jeff

        Congratulations, you just judged an 11-year-old and determined that she deserves nothing good for the rest of her life based on one incident.

        I hope one day she saves your life.

  • Toadzog

    You should’nt put women on a pedestal like that, they really do not deserve it. Your daughter will likely use her looks to gain tremendous leverage with men in her life.

    • Jeff

      Someone jealous?

  • Espressist

    Men want sex, yes. But trust me, I am telling you as a straight woman that women can be very cruel to each other. Probably not lesbian women, is my guess – but I’ve met many a straight woman who embrace jealousy so closely it’s pure hatred – in disguise, under a “nice girl” exterior of course. It hurts. For real. My guy friends don’t do that.

  • https://jarvisapp.com/ Jay Shirley

    I saw this while mobile and really wanted to reply but was out. I taught kids martial arts (under 10) for a while and it was absolutely awesome.

    Not one of my students ever got “hurt”. They had bruises, sure, but they weren’t ever seriously injured (I can only remember one instance where a kid actually needed ice).

    Having said that, after I progressed I was constantly laid up with something. I’ve broken several bones in my hand, bruised bones, dislocated shoulder, etc.

    I was bullied a lot growing up. I was small (then grew an inordinate amount). I was constantly picked on.

    My early years in martial arts were enough to defend myself against every street fight I’ve ever been in. The advanced stuff that ended with me breaking things is only applicable against trained fighters.

    Trained fighters don’t go out and fight on the street and they’re not the ones violating other people (for the most part, there are exceptions of course).

    Don’t find the martial arts places that are designated “for kids”. The training there is very soft and they usually only teach staged scenarios that never come up in life.

    If you want more advice on how to find a school I’d be happy to share with you my advice and perspective.

    I’m starting to train my 4 year old boy, and will train my daughter when she is a few years older (though she already likes to defend herself, sometime too much)

  • Cassi’s Mom

    Hi James,
    You sure did get some great input on this interesting article. As a single mother raising a daughter is all the more challenging, and especially for me because I have been victimized by men more than once in my life. I really tried to teach my daughter anything and everything that might help her avoid being sexually harassed, sexually assaulted, violated or hurt in anyway. We did a lot of talking when she was your daughters age, covering a lot of issues . Here are a few that come to mind:

    *What constitutes acceptable/appropriate behavior from men and what does not.
    *What constitutes acceptable/appropriate behavior from women and what does not.
    *What self respect is and why it’s a good thing to have.
    *The importance of creating personal boundaries & letting others know what they are.
    *Drawing lines with people who try to push those boundaries immediately and emphatically.
    *The importance of telling me or another adult if and when someone crossed the line.
    *The importance of using the buddy system when moving around this dangerous world, full of predators, as often as possible.
    *Predators don’t always look like bad guys and they know how to appear very friendly.
    *A stranger is a stranger is a stranger. If you don’t know a man, don’t let him get too close to you.

    I’m happy as hell that she survived her teen years without incident and at age 23 married a kind, caring and “protective” man.

    Wishing you the same good fortune with your daughter.

    • whynot

      I remember standing outside of my apartment, walking my ferret on a leash. A bunch of the neighborhood kids gathered around to meet the abnormal pet.

      Some woman came by and chided a kid for interacting with me, her neighbor, as if I was a stranger. Oddly, the police, the neighborhood watch, the overly protective parent, did not stop her and warn all of the children that *SHE* is a stranger.

      All of your other talking points sounded great. As a guy, we are not really ever taught the buddy system, except when swimming and hiking. Through my eyes, why fear the world so much that many explorations can never be done without convincing another buddy to simultaneously experience it? (And this is the trust that is shattered whenever someone is raped.)

      Anyway, the term ‘stranger’ is a very dangerous accusation–detrimental to society. That stranger does not want to help you when you are in trouble after you have dismissed him/her so callously. Oh, Streetcar! “A stranger’s just a friend you haven’t met.”

  • Amy

    Arrgh… I just saw this story on BI. Just wanted to say James, sorry you had to go through this but this is an introduction to a girl’s (woman’s) life. Not to worry. It’s not so bad. I think many of the posters got it right with martial arts class but make it fun, like yoga is fun. Your daughter just needs to know when someone has come too close to her. Right now her sensors are off… she needs them flipped on and able to realize when someone has invaded her personal space, and then she just needs to rehearse types of replies. Some replies are physical others are just verbal or body language like a hard stare or even a bluff. She doesn’t have to become a karate chopping lunachick, just the same nice little girl you love who knows how to say, “Back off, dude,” at a moment’s notice.

    I can’t tell you all the close calls and the ways I’ve gotten out of them when I was young. They start at 11ish and subside sometime after 40… coinciding mostly with menstruation. Ta da! Someone had to say it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/james.altucher James Altucher

      You know, a lot of people are suggesting tihs martial arts thing. Thats not a bad idea. Hmmm. And I think you are right about the sensors. And now I’m worried she herself is afraid she’ll go too much in the other direction (be too nervous.) I don’t know.

    • whynot

      You must mean: ‘menopause.’

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_X6ZUVJHXMUXLTSVT2HLIT7TQDU jamaul brown

    So you want your daughters to be lesbians and not have their own children because “men are mean” .. The world is mean .. only good part about this world is kids (until they become corrupt) .. 

    • http://jamesaltucher.com James Altucher

      I don’t know. most kids seem pretty cruel. To each other, to their parents, to their teachers, etc. Eventually they learn though, and are wonderful.

  • Thomashollins

    My son is in Karate (Tracy’s Kenpo) which I took when I was 17. His Sensei studied under mine. What it teaches is that force need not be reacted to with force. There are other ways out: options. When one realizes that fact, one gains a sense of confidence in situations, thinks a little faster than others, is more in tune with what “may happen”. It gives them an edge so they don’t get hurt.
    Teaching someone to swim prepares them for the time when the boat capsizes.
    Going through CPR in Red Cross teaches them to be aware of others.
    I agree with Jay that your daughters cannot be fragile princesses. However, princesses in old times were taught many things, including how to use a dagger.
    My daughter (8) will learn from my son’s Sensei also. She will learn that even though someone punches you, it doesn’t mean you have to cry. You have to react. And hopefully, one day, she will realize the punch is coming and be able to remove herself from its path.
    Good luck,
    -T-

  • David

    Ever since my daughter was very very young (she’s only almost 4 now) I’ve been saying to the wife, and sometimes even to the girl herself, that I want her to be a lesbian, or a nun, or preferably both, to be doubly sure….

    I’ve also thought – assuming she doesn’t turn out to be a lesbian nun – what I’m going to say to her when she’s a teenager, like um, how I want her to respect herself, and respect her body, and that she doesn’t need some pimply faced boy for validation… but it’ll just sound weird coming from her father…

  • Anonymous

    The problem is that by now you should have taught her how to fight like she means it. ;)

  • Douggravesster

    Don’t you wish you had taken the pool cue and wrapped it around the little prick’s head?  Boys aren’t scared of girls who know karate, but they are afraid of psychotic fathers.

  • Heaterman

    I think I have never read anything as sorry and sad as that in my life.

  • Ciceroqpublic

    Your daughter could have handled the situation if you had let her. It was YOU that was deeply upset about it. So upset that you had to blog about it. It’s painfully obvious that you are a narcicist. I pity your daughter having to grow up in daddy’s insecure, self absorbed shadow….Sad display…………….

  • Jordan

    Right. So I shouldn’t worry when my daughter breaks her arm, because at least she’s not a double amputee. And when she fails a test in school, I can let it slide, because at least she has a school to go to. Also, good thing I don’t have to worry about her getting raped by someone, because thankfully she’s not being trafficked.

    Your post is misguided. I’m sure those other parents in Libya DO want my position, because it’s better than theirs, but that doesn’t remove or reduce the importance of the problems that I personally have to deal with, here in the USA.

  • http://www.andrewrlong.com Andrew R Long

    Black and white thinking doesn’t help anyone, especially kids growing up. 

  • Anthony

    I have three daughters and the greatest protection you will ever give them is your love. You did the right thing. You removed her from harm, acknowledged the violation, stood up to the perpetrator and gave her security. Girls who end up being perpetually misused by boys and men almost always have bad relationships with their fathers. Be the greatest love of her life until one day someone worthy of loving her comes along. The quality of a man she believes she deserves will be fully determined by the way you treat her now.

  • Saturnineinch

    It won’t matter whether or not your daughter is a lesbian — she can still be victimized. Some lesbians are even targeted by hate-based sexual assault because of their orientations.

    With that said, even if most men are horn dogs, it doesn’t make them inherently likely to rape someone. I think your suggestion that women are treated nicely by other women and treated badly by men is very simplistic and sexist. As a woman, I can guarantee you that women are not always nice to each other, and can be extremely cruel. It may not be obvious from the outside, since women are less likely to make physical attacks. But like men, some women are mean, and some are nice. I can also guarantee you that there are a lot of very considerate and respectful men, regardless of whether they have a high or low libido.

    With that said, there is always a risk that your daughter could be the target of sexual abuse or assault. I think the best thing you can do for her is to empower her to protect herself, by teaching her to set and enforce personal boundaries, to avoid unsafe situations, to respect and care for herself, and to learn basic self-defense skills. Furthermore, do whatever you can in your life to promote respect towards women, so that hopefully less men will feel that invading a woman’s sovereignty over her own body is okay.

    I can only hope that that boy’s parents explained to him why that was wrong, and he won’t do it in the future.

  • Colleen

    I just discovered your blog tonight and was laughing so much my husband came out to check on me.  Thanks for being yourself.  More people should try it.

    I want to comment on this article.  The title really creeped me out but I’m a mother so I had to know what made you think that.  I’d like to offer my thoughts about what can help to make your daughters’ futures with men the best possible.

    1.  Encourage them to respect themselves and have healthy personal boundaries.  They don’t have to dress like hookers just because Hollywood rules.  They don’t have to cuss just because it’s culturally normative now even for girls to swear.  They don’t have to be easy just because everyone in school is sexually active.  Commend to them the idea that if it’s popular and everyone is doing it its time to be suspicious and on guard.

    2.  No matter how degraded the culture becomes, men will still always prefer a woman with respect for herself and her sexual boundaries when it comes time for him to marry.  Nobody really wants a bimbo to raise his kids.

    3.  Expend your young years and energy developing yourself.  Being the best woman you can be is a terrific foundation for attracting someone healthy.

    4.  I could go on for days, but be encouraged to know that out there are parents working hard to raise good young men who will be good husbands and fathers.  Wait patiently, prepare and pray for that man.  I know, because I’m doing an excellent job raising two winners of my own and they are already praying the very best for their future wives.   Best wishes to you all.

  • Amira

    I liked your post, it’s funny and at the same time sweet because your daughters are lucky to have a dad who teaches them not to accept any mistreatment from anyone (incidentally I don’t think it’s necessary to hope they’re lesbians, they could meet a decent guy too). 
    As it turns out, yesterday I heard this on french radio: French seduction tips for guys :)
    1. if you like a girl, and it’s hard to tell if she likes you too and you’re hesitating because you think she probably doesn’t like you, tell her you like her, one of 2 things can happen: she likes you so it works out or she turns you down and you were right so in a way it’s comforting… 
    2. another approach is indifference, ignore her just pretend she doesn’t exist, but this only works if you first make sure she knows of your existence… 3. if you don’t want to risk being turned down or indifference in case she doesn’t know your existence, then you can try to do like in the movies, wait for the music cue and then french kiss her, of course there is no music usually in life which is one of the reasons life sucks… ;)I gotta admit even though it’s a joke, hearing number 3 made me cringe a little… Suddenly I have an image from “The Fifth Element” movie when Lilou (Milla Jovovich) gets her big gun out when Korben (Bruce Willis) tries to kiss her without her permission yelling “Ecto gammat” (not without my permission) Love that movie! :)

    • whynot

      Thank you. I was waiting for someone to say it. Apparently, we have to defer to the French, because we are all too Politically Correct to suggest that there may be another way of looking at these ghastly assaults upon women.

      Note: before a bunch of women-rights women jump on my comment, note that I am a feminist myself. With one of my girlfriends, I once moved in to kiss her; she turned her head aside and dismissed the advance. I immediately read her non-assent and had a small conversation about the future of our relationship. We saw each other a few more times over the next couple years–it turns out that I am not a rapist.

  • Amira

    On a serious note, 1 in 3 women beaten or raped in their lifetimes, that is one billion women. If you haven’t already, please join the One Billion Rising movement to call for an end to violence against women and girls! It’s free and will take about 15 seconds of your time: http://www.vday.org/onebillionrisingpage.html
    Thanks to Eve Ensler who is doing incredible work around the world to help women and girls in particular in Congo where they have suffered some of the worst atrocities. 

    • whynot

      A big thanks to Ms. Ensler. It turns out that men who use violence against women and girls are not particularly attuned to “calls to end it.” So much time and money is spent preaching to church choirs (the people who are already on board to the same idea.)

      Why not have a rally to end stealing? (All the burglars will be breaking into your house during the event.)

  • Dawn

    I am a lesbian with two god-daughters that are both brown belts in Taekwando and it has been an amazing series of lessons for them both. I would highly recommend martial arts studies for all girls as it helps them develop the confidence they will need in everyday life.

  • JAS

    Really? You think so? By buying into her weakness and moving her away from “harm” he’s just enabling her vulnerability. Enrolling her in martial arts would have been a much better option. She’d become a strong, empowered woman with a healthy self-esteem.

  • http://twitter.com/runningdmc Dawn Casey-Rowe

    Sure, but I walked into a pole the other day while I was texting, and the other day I fell over a sewer grate running because I should have been looking straight ahead and not at a distraction…taught martial arts for years, got whacked with things and also clipped breaking up a fight at work. I also played baseball–catcher. I got hit in the head with bats It’s all relative. You’ve got to roll with the punches:)

  • http://twitter.com/runningdmc Dawn Casey-Rowe

    Glad you relinked to this, I must have missed it. The point here is relationships. Respect is the key, not gender…guys, girls…gender is immaterial. Teach young ladies and gentlemen to command and demand respect in every relationship and they’ll find the right one. .

  • Joseph Dabond

    Nice writing but rather dangling.

  • vividh

    When I first saw your post, I thought to myself “Wow! What a idea”. It is definitely not a bad solution. But I would still like to throw the most obvious line here – “Not all men are bad.”

  • josie

    it’s more upsetting that you think it might be offensive to straight women, then say straight men can handle it. FUCK OFF! straight women handle a hell of a lot more than men who just want sex. and you have NO IDEA about the lives of lesbians. it isn’t all 11year old soccer.

  • whynot

    self-hating man?

  • whynot

    You are insightful, but quite bigoted. Your bigotry is deeply sown because you recognize deep down that you are (or were) the same as the immoral guys who were considering raping the naked woman, alone from protection.

    However, you dangerously sum up all men and boys with: “But guys until a certain age are only after one thing.” Illogically, because you know many men who do and recognize it in yourself, you flatly condemn all men of this world with the same summary portrayal. And then, even worse, portray all women and girls as loving and nice. Much of the evil of this world comes from your type of thinking. Men are falsely imprisoned and their lives ruined because of your astounding bigotry. Horrific evil at the hands of women is dismissed because some jackass father is in the background, standing up for his daughter. “Straight men can handle it?” F*kk you–f*kk you hard.

    I do applaud your actions at the offending kiss: you appropriately reprimanded the boy without blowing the event out of proportion. Moreover, you spent much time with your daughter, mulling over her feelings of what transpired. You did not seem to force her experience but stood by to provide support in her time of trouble.

  • whynot

    Objection noted if you feel Christianity is all a fairytale–it is a fair assessment from your perspective. However, I have never met a single Christian that felt that their religion taught them that a raped young woman must marry her attacker. I am sorry that certain words in the Bible make it sound as though this would be a solution for such a crime. People who actually reflect over their morality weekly do not arrive at your odd conclusion.

  • whynot

    It may all be lies. However, you are seriously making a strong point about they guy’s real name? I once knew a guy named Dick for 10 years. One day, I found out that his real name was Richard. Really!?

    If you really need to pick apart Christianity, please focus on a real topic that you believe is horribly misguided by general Christians. *(And please note that you are excruciatingly aware that not all Christians believe the same thing or what you personally think that they believe.)

  • Mr Dog

    I love your writing, love it. But man are you out of touch / potentially destructive to your poor daughters. Posting stuff like this is just plain stupid, sorry.

  • Mr Cat

    I have a daughter and I would never care in a million years if some little kid ran up and forcibly tried to kiss her. Obviously, I’d try and stop it but in actual fact its not the little boy necessarily being a bad kid at all.
    Maybe he loves her and in his own 9 year old way simply doesn’t know how to express that properly / etiquette? I bet that same 9 year old boy will grow up to be a very decent guy, so what if he goes to strip clubs, fucks hookers or smokes weed? I’ve done all of those things, I know I’m a decent guy.
    Meanwhile, I will teach my daughter to always try and see the good in others, but to never take shit from others and always stand up for herself. She’ll grow up wise, sometimes tough but never scared and never bitter or warped. She’ll laugh stuff off. If the guy oversteps the line then he’ll get a punch in the face – from her!

  • Jean Paul

    Just out of curiosity… have you ever been successful with women?

  • Luke

    Man, I know how you feel about it (at least, I think so). I`m eighteen and don`t have a son or daughter, but I don`t like the ideia of my – hypothetical – daughter dating guys, because I know the “men world” and what guys want to do with girls. That`s just like ignoring the fact that girls aren`t bad too, but men… we are the worst.
    If my – also hypothetical – son turned out to be gay, I wouldn`t mind, but it really makes me fear having a straight daughter. Although I don`t think it`s alright with my way of thinking and it`s not time to wonder these things in my life, it`s just what I think now. Just wanted you know that there are people who thinks similarly to you.

  • A Litte Bird (ml)

    Dear James Altucher,

    I suggest you get your hands on some

    books on feminist theory, psychological theory on boundaries, and

    different modes of exploitation. Fast.

    Learn about theories on

    sexism, and different types of abuse and domination. The kinds of things

    you don’t want happening to your daughters. And probably the kinds of

    things that your ego would prefer to ignore and deny. But, if a real man

    is what you are, then you would be, how did you say it, able to “take

    it”. The kind of man who actually wants to protect his family would be

    able to take it. Or are you the herald from the land that forgot what

    family even is? And the only person you really know how to look after is

    “number one”. i.e. You. Have you really, chosen yourself?

    I am compelled to write this post because, there are many things about this

    post that are, well, frankly, disturbing. So disturbing, that my heart

    goes out to your daughters, and all our daughters, from this type of

    thinking. (Offensive to straight women? Umm. No. This article is

    offensive to ALL women. It’s offensive to the advances made in the

    thinking that went into forging democratic nations. (i.e. civil

    liberties and the idea that we can all, equally grow up in

    freedom–freedom to pursue what makes us happy, and freedom from harm

    from others). This article is offensive to anyone who wants to actually

    protect the well being of children. And it’s particularly offensive to

    your daughters, the ones you say you want to protect. They wont be nine,

    and ignoring your work on the internet forever, and your sexist slurs

    and insinuations.)

    I agree with that Jiminy Cricket (Disney’s

    version of “Il Grillo Parlante” the talking cricket in Pinocchio, a

    great book to read with your kids by the way) by the way. That is, the

    voice of your conscience, that was making you feel nervous and delay

    posting this in the first place.

    I think that instinct was right.

    This post crosses the line. And I hope I manage to effectively put into

    words for you as to why. Because this is a line, that we, as adults,

    need to learn how to define and negotiate so as to create a better, not

    shittier, world for our children. (Unless you don’t give a damn about

    that kind of thing. Then go ahead, drink whiskey, make misogynistic

    jokes in the boardroom with the guys, and be a MAN.)

    If you want

    to help your daughters grow up to be strong women. then ne of the best

    things you can do is to become a man who is more aware than other men

    about the kind of power, sexism, and gender issues they will face in

    their lives. Issues beyond a boy from class giving them an unwanted

    kiss.

    There are many kinds of violence. Many kinds of crossing the

    boundaries of another person without his/her willful consent. Many kinds of

    behaviour that cross personal lines.

    This post encapsulates one of the behaviours that I believe crosses that line.
    Ironically,

    you say you are trying to help your daughters, but ultimately, I would warn you

    that this post could be very harmful to them, and to other girls, in

    perpetuating the notion that this kind of public discourse about our kids’ sex

    lives–our daughters’ personal lives–is A OK.

    And

    to other young men, trying to figure it out. Absorbing your

    assumptions. Not getting closer to women, but getting more into

    themselves, and into, ultimately, ending up alone.

    Where do I start?

    For starters, the title of this post…

    Let’s just assume for now that publicly posting pictures and articles

    about our kids (that someone in the world could read and then go and bug the

    kid about in real life) is totally ok to begin with (which I don’t actually

    think it is in every case). How about saying instead, “I want my daughters

    to grow up to be happy, self-actualized people”? Or, “I want my
    daughters

    to grow up to be kickass zen warriors.” Or “I want my daughters to

    grow up to walk softly, but carry big sticks, and know how to use them.”

    There is a common flaw in the logic that says that to protect women, you have

    to keep them away from men.

    Hmm.

    How about keeping them away from the flawed logic that women are weak

    and vulnerable *objects*. Let me define this term to make myself clear.

    What

    is an “object” in this context? Objects are, by definition, unable of

    *acting* as subjects (i.e. “I” (the subject of this sentence) act on X

    (the object of the sentence). How about NOT implying that women are

    these weak, hapless creatures, incapable of standing up to men;

    incapable of playing the main part in their own lives (and just being

    acted on by men, either rapists who would sexually exploit them, or

    fathers who would “protect” them through writing blogs about their

    personal lives.

    Hence, women, as passive objects should stick to

    having a sexual ‘lesbian’ (with the implicit assumption in that that

    lesbians are weak, harmless and nonaggressive. Ya, right!) relationships

    to keep them safe from harmful, rapey, men? Say, did you say you came

    from the Middle East?

    As my own teenage daughters would say,

    “EWWW!”

    How about NOT also concurrently implying that men are fundamentally aggressive,

    with rapist tendencies. There are many incredibly sensitive, considerate,

    highly aware, amazing lover, gentle-men out there too. (Take a look at the
    scene in

    “This is the End” written by Seth Rogen. The scene about ‘rapey vibe’

    is pretty awesome. Have your girls see that (when they are older). Brilliant

    bit of writing by Rogen on that one. Awesome shovel wielding by Emma Watson

    too. This is a great scene because it shows that socially and emotionally

    educated guys actually have a healthy fear of not being ‘rapey’, even with

    other guys. Have your girls know how to spot and prefer to hang with *those*

    guys,

    with that kind of world view. Preferably not the ones with the view

    that girls should be paired with other girls to keep them safe, or maybe

    we should dress them in long black dresses, with veils over their heads

    and faces too?)

    This entire post is unfortunately framed in a

    gender stereotyped way that actually sexualizes your daughters by your

    projecting your own aspirations

    about your daughters growing up to be lesbians. I don’t hold it against

    you since you are an American man, from a military state that glorifies

    violence, and has a recent evolutionary history of looking at women as being
    weak and fickle and all that fun historic stuff.

    It also seems you have a business background; traditional economic

    theory defines success as the thorough exploitation of things (i.e., objects,

    like natural resources), that are also sometimes taken through things like

    ‘hostile takeovers’ if necessary. I would argue that this kind of aggro

    attitude is also a contributory factor to what is messing up our collective
    environment.

    In

    economic terms, (Partha Dasgupta is a great read on this topic), you

    are also ‘externalizing’ your daughters. Not only are they objects–who

    belong to you/come from you, so they apparently and implicitly by you

    writing this in the first place– but they have no individual rights to

    privacy from their father talking about their

    sex lives in public.

    Why would objects, things, have rights? Well, they DO have rights. And

    are entitled to their personal space, and their own feelings. And they

    have the ability to, as you observed, be hurt. They are developing

    children. This is the case for all children. And, the cavalier writing

    of this blog also externalizes the potentially adverse effects on them

    that might happen as a result of this blog post. They may, down the

    line, experience adverse effects of this blog post, and the way of

    thinking that informs the assumptions of this post too, while you,

    evidently, benefit from it.

    This kind of disclosure of your personal thoughts and fears on the matter is

    perfectly fine for an ANONYMOUS blog, or to discuss with a good friend or

    therapist. Or maybe to disclose in a biography after your kids are grown, and,

    more

    importantly, are able to give you their consent. (Unless you want to

    piss them off, and then call them weak for it, the abuser’s excuse. You

    would do well to note that other authors who have written about the

    “truths” they saw around in this inconsiderate way lost friends as a

    result. (Truman Capote being one. And Bukowski, who you say you admire,

    was also known to some as a sexist jerk. That’s all a well and good

    “man’s man: way to be as a writer… In the spirit of Hemingway. An

    alcoholic, tough as nails, honest, asshole. Until, that is, you happen

    to have daughters. Nothing to mess up a good macho persona like having a

    daughter. Or a son, if you have half a heart left).

    But…these are your *honest* thoughts after all, correct? This is a blog about

    personal disclosure, correct? Yes. BUT, just because they are honest thoughts

    about your daughters does NOT make it appropriate for you to disclose them in a

    public forum. You have freedom “to”, but your daughters also have
    freedom

    “from”. And sometimes, that can be a fine line. (btw sorry for the

    allcaps. Not yelling. Consider them to be italics, same as stars.) If I’m a

    boss and I get honest randy thoughts about a staffer, would it be appropriate

    for

    me to share them? Fine line. If a teacher gets the thought in her head

    when a student misbehaves that the kid is an ‘asshole’, should she say

    it? Finer line.

    We have a duty to protect our kids. Including from ourselves.

    (More about this public forum and fine lines with honesty thing later.

    For now, back to gender stereotyping, and discussing sexual aggressive acts

    like they are about gender and sex.)

    What happened to your daughter with that boy is NOT about gender and sex. (Ok,

    maybe it is also somewhat related to gender and sex.) Draw the behaviours in a

    Venn diagram. Really. Rape. Assault. Harassment. These behaviours are all

    about

    power and domination, NOT really about sex. Sure, perpetrators of these

    things use sexual acts as the conduit, but at the core they are about

    dominance, and a kind of personal violence, involving a lack of mutual

    consent.

    In kid terms, it’s about bullying.

    Not sex and

    lesbianism or what have you. (I don’t know if that little boy who kissed

    your daughter was a bully, or just some kid who liked your daughter and

    tried to express it, albeit in a poorly chosen way, or if he was trying

    to dominate her, or was doing a childish dare, or what. So I wont pass

    judgement on what his intentions were. Maybe he acted in an innocent,

    but dumb way, but I’ll just go with the assumption that it was

    aggressive considering how you’ve described it.)

    I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that rape is actually a crime of *violence*. I

    suggest that you look into WHY that is. Philosophically. Psychologically.
    Ethically.

    Legally. This is a good thing to meditate about mindfully as well. Clarity on

    this

    likely won’t come overnight. I hope you can learn and help your

    daughters, so they don’t have to teach themselves, the way many women

    have to learn–the hard way.

    The devil is in the details, and we as a society are just starting to come to
    grips

    with these kinds of things. Personal violence, crossing of boundaries in ways

    that end up being harmful, is still rampant in much of the world. Including by

    parents on kids (need I mention female circumcision?). This fine line is also

    at the heart of discrimination in the work place. There are many people in many

    places acting in self-serving ways, not thinking about the potential adverse

    effects on others, not thinking about the potential adverse effects on the

    social system the live in–that we all live in–together.

    Ripples effects…(cont…)

  • A Litte Bird (ml)

    …(cont) Apologies that the formatting got cut off as I cut and paste this into two pieces due to length.


    At the core, I don’t think this post is really about whether your daughters
    should be lesbians to keep them safe in the future – when men will be stronger
    and hornier. It’s about YOU after all. Right? Your name and picture is all over
    this blog.

    Your book is also titled “Choose Yourself”, indicating that’s
    what you have chosen (neglecting, perhaps, that you do not live on an
    island or in a vacuum, but in interrelationship with other people who
    also have rights to be free from some of the things you may like to do in your fantasy world. John Donne wrote about this far more eloquently
    than I in his poem, No Man is an Island.)

    At what point does your right to write, and choose to forge your own personal destiny and empire of full disclosure cross the rights of your daughters’ to their
    ownprivacy and personal boundaries?

    (You’re not the only person struggling with this mind you. Perhaps we all are. Breaking Bad wasn’t such a success for no reason. At the end, what does he admit to his wife about who he did it all for (when he had been claiming all along that he was doing it for his wife and kids)? Now there’s a question to meditate on.)

    So, what can a father do to help his daughters learn their boundaries, and also
    learn how to protect them from mental, verbal, physical, sexual, emotional etc
    etc abuse. From bullying. Including from himself, if need be. Well, how
    about dads stay out of their daughters sex lives for one, when
    uninvited, including in public blog posts. Like this one. (As my own, now older, daughters would eloquently say, “Ewww! A dad blogged about hoping his daughter would become a lesbian? Eww. Gross. How embarrassing!!”)

    We ALL have to face issues growing up of other people treating us in ways that
    we do not want or appreciate. And we all have to learn to deal with it. Girls
    are sometimes aggressive and hurtful to girls, girls do it to boys, boys do it
    to boys, and boys do it to girls. And they then sometimes grow up to continue
    to act in aggressive and hurtful ways (intentional or otherwise) to other
    people when they are adults. Depending on how often they do it, they might also
    be described by psychologists as having a personality disorder.

    Men, it is true, do tend to behave more often it seems in more aggressive and
    dominating (i.e. abusive) ways towards women. And, for that matter, to other men. But in pair bonds between same sex couples, including lesbians, that
    dominance behaviour by one to the other often rears its aggressive head, too.
    As other commenters have noted, lesbianism is NOT a way to shangrila. (And it’s
    also disturbing how some men seem to glorify lesbianism, seeming to almost
    project their sexual fetishes on it. You wouldn’t be doing that now. Right?)

    Don’t forget psychopathy. That’s the kicker. Considering that about 1 in 100
    men clinically fits into the personality type of a psychopath, I suggest you
    read some Robert Hare on that one, and learn more about his checklist, because
    chances are that your girls will have to deal with at least one of these in
    their life. God forbid. If not in the bedroom, then in the office, like Hare’s
    book, Snakes in Suits, points out. Things like aggression, narcissism,
    dominance, manipulation, lack of empathy, inability to put one in another’s shoes etc, tend to fall on a spectrum. (These types of guys are also very good at
    turning kids against their parents, so I’d advise your daughters early, while
    they are still listening to you, that when they meet people who try to make
    their family look bad, that that is a flag. A warning sign. It could be ok. But
    it could also indicate that person is trying to isolate them from their family
    to do something bad to them. Anyone that tries to turn someone against their
    family is suspect. (On the other hand, some families are abusive, so it’s not always
    that simple, but you get my drift.))

    What you find at the far end of the psychopathic personality type (which is a
    biologically adaptive in many species by the way), makes its way in shades
    along the whole spectrum of personality traits. Learn and identify these
    aggressive traits that cross different types of boundaries with your daughters.
    That’s the first step to mental fortitude against this kind of stuff. The a, b,
    c’s of identifying the dangerous traits first.

    I’m not saying your girls have to grow up to be nasty people too, mind you. The
    next step is not emulating, as many people are prone to in our modern society.
    Like some Mean Girls movie. No. Look into ways of raising your daughters to be
    warriors who are loving as lambs with the lambs, but know how to bear their
    claws when the tigers come around. Like I mentioned at the start, ‘zen’
    warrior. This includes your daughters learning ways to bear their ‘claws’ in a
    safe way now and then themselves in shows of strength. Not in a hurtful way.
    But indirectly. In a safe forum, that gets the point across that they are not
    to be messed with. This is an art, mind you, and not one that is that well
    developed in our culture. But it is a very useful art. Kids that do this well
    (and adults too) find ways to indirectly show other kids that they’re not
    wusses, and they are not vulnerable, so they would make easy targets.

    I suggest that, along with teaching your daughters the usual emotional intelligence stuff, that you also learn about the character traits of narcissists and psychopaths/sociopaths, and inform your daughters, that, just like in little red riding hood, there ARE wolves in kind granny clothing out there in the world of humans. And considering that psychopaths are also engaging and charismatic, they will also
    be good at charming the pants of people (and if they are a con, the money out
    of wallets). Legends about vampires, and more recent stories about emotional
    vampires, are probably linked with this personality type. Even trained
    psychologists can get taken in by some of these smooth talkers. And these kinds
    of charismatic, but deceptive and manipulative, personality traits is likely
    what is behind the stats that most girls that end up getting sexually abused
    have received the bad treatment at the hands of someone that they knew, and
    likely trusted. Not some random stranger. Therefore, teach them to spot the
    wolf in sheep’s clothing. There are signs. (Robert Hare reference again.) Learn
    them and share them with your girls. Especially if your have sweet daughters
    that might appear naive. Or if you have beautiful daughters. The reddest apple
    on the tree is the one that catches the eye, that to the predatory mind, seems
    to call out to be plucked. (Ok, that sounds gross, but I hope it gets the point
    across. That’s what many sexual aggressors often say. “She wanted it.” (i.e.,
    that apple was so red). I’ve known these types. It is NOT fun, as a girl,
    learning to deal with this.)

    So, back to the title. How about: “I want my girls to grow up to be happy.” That’s like what you say YOU want in another post of yours I read. So how about you want that for your daughters, too. Focus on THAT, not on them being lesbians or whatever. Sorry dad. Their sex life is THEIR sex life, unless THEY invite you in to chat about it. (And even if they do, this is an area to tred with caution in.)

    But you most certainly are within your right to want and work hard to support
    them being happy.

    So work back from there. Imagine your daughters as happy adults. Happy and
    confident and strong. Learn what it takes for people to grow up to be happy,
    healthy and content. Strong. Resilient.

    What DOES it take a young woman to grow up to be happy? Part of it is that it’s
    about learning to recognize yourself as a person first. A sentient being. An
    actor (not a passive recipient). A subject. Not an object. With RIGHTS.
    including the right to learn about your rights as part of your education, and
    your personal boundaries–mental, emotional, and physical–and how to protect
    them. With arms that move like Bruce Lee punches, thoughts that move like
    lightening, and wit that moves like photons. And a heart that is resilient as
    the sun that wakes each morning.

    AND with boundaries that stem from those rights. Including the boundary of
    being free of your own father writing public posts (and it looks like this has
    been done without your daughter’s permission–how could they even possibly give
    permission at their age), about what happened to you at a party (embarrassing
    enough that it happened but now her dad has to go smear it all over the
    interwebs!?), and what he wants for your sex life. It’s not for us as parents
    to project onto our kids what we want for their life, especially their sex
    life. It’s for us to facilitate THEM (child centric. Not about YOU. About THEM.
    Not like your personal career, parenting is about THEM) to pursue their dreams,
    and teach them how to be diligent to work towards those goals, and not let the
    creeps and jerks stand in their way. Not let anyone do to them what they don’t
    want done.

    It’s not the end of the world if a girl meets a pushy jerk. It’s not the end of
    the world that you wrote this post. Everyone messes up at a parent sometimes. The key is to take the thing that has led to an adverse effect (like the situation with the boy party kisser), or could lead to an adverse effect (like this post), and learn from it. Things that go bad are actually a great opportunity and learning moment. Ask your daughter (and she doesn’t have to share them with you if she isn’t comfortable talking about it, but she should be encouraged to ask herself.) Were there any signs that led up to the bad event? What was the behaviour of that boy in the months, years, weeks, day before that event? Were there any things he did that stuck out that might be indicators? What was their relationship like before hand? What did
    your daughter do that might have contributed to the event that she can learn
    from? Was she nice to him? Boys often interpret that as flirting at that age.

    What could she have done better during the event itself? Or beforehand to
    prevent it from happening? Was it random? Was it all him? Was there any
    possible little thing that she learned that she could do differently next time, before,
    during, or after the event, that would make the outcome come out in a way that
    would be more to her liking (and be appropriate and reasonable)? How could she
    better assert her boundaries with that boy?

    Role play and discuss different scenarios. Ways to show up bullies, without becoming a bully yourself, and without looking stupid. This can be a fun thing to do. Encourage them to share stories about what boys (and other girls) sometimes do to trick or fool them or other kids. Or ask them about things that happen, and
    discuss what could have happened that would maybe have changed the outcome.

    Martial arts. Self defense class. These things are great. But more than that,
    we parents need to become more intelligent than our parents were about self
    defense of the mind. Of our mental-emotional body. Knowing our rights. And
    learning where our rights end and the rights of another begin. Looking for
    signs of aggression and dominance. Knowing how to appear, and actually BE
    strong. (Aggressive types often prey on those they perceive as vulnerable.)
    And, knowing different reasonable and kickass ways of how to stand up for our
    rights. In and out of the bedroom, the playground, the classroom, the party….

    In and off the internet.

    When I was a kid, I remember coming home from school crying in Gr 1. In this
    case it was about what one of my girlfriends did. My mother consoled me and
    listened to me. And then she told me that sometimes people in the world are
    bad. She didn’t know why she said, but people do mean things, and poor me. She
    commiserated about what jerks people are. Wipe up the tears, Hug hug, kiss
    kiss. She probably then gave me a cookie and told me to try and forget about
    it. She was doing the best she could at the time to help me out, but in
    retrospect, it was not very good advise. Not very helpful anyhow at learning
    how to actually deal with these kinds of situations.

    No one is a perfect parent. I appreciate you trying to help your daughters, but
    I am not a fan of how you are doing it in this particular case. We all
    come from different backgrounds and learn the best we can. I’ve come to learn
    that there are some lines of privacy that are important to child development,
    and maybe you should think a little more about the right to privacy your kids have
    and how you are taking that away from them in this blog forum.

    Maybe MANY parents who post stuff about their under age kids on the internet should think about this.

    How would you have liked it as an emerging teen if your parents had the ability
    to write public blog posts, and one day you stumbled on a post your dad wrote
    about you, and his desire that you would grow up to be gay. Or his fear that
    you are gay? Or about how some guy bullied you and he worries about you? Or how about if your friends came across that kind of blog post about you by your own
    father? What do you think that could lead to? I can think of a few worst-case
    scenarios. Maybe you would even start to question that maybe you actually are
    gay if your dad thinks you are, or should be. The power of suggestion can be
    very strong. Especially from a parent. (Especially from a parent with the gift
    to communicate, like you.) Or what if the other kids then started calling you
    gay?

    Or beat you up for it?

    Your blog is about YOUR life, “confidential.” Great!! Wonderful! Love that.
    Awesome writing. Great personal disclosure and all that. You are very talented
    at what you do. But. BUT. Does that, then, ALSO give you the right to talk
    about your daughters’ personal lives too?

    I, for one, think not. I would frame this as exploitation. Or at least
    dangerously bordering on it.

    A 12 year old girl, finding and reading this kind of blog post by her own
    father could potentially amount to a cosmic mind f-ck. A 12 year old girl is still a
    developing child. As a developing child, she wouldn’t have the mental or
    emotional capacity to know how to deal with it at that age. (What? My dad
    thinks I should become a lesbian?) She would not know at 16 how to deal with it
    either, and maybe not even at 20. It is upsetting that an intelligent man like
    you, and most of the commenters on this blog are so cavalier about this.

    Don’t agree with me? Ask some professionals on child psychology. On child abuse. On emotional and verbal abuse. On verbal sexual abuse. Especially abuse towards
    children, who actually ARE vulnerable. It is our job to protect them as adults.

    And that’s why I’m writing this post. Because it is obvious from your blog that
    you care about you, but I am worried about who is protecting your daughters
    from you. Maybe they don’t need any protection and I’m totally off base. But if I am at all correct, maybe you need to revisit some of those assumptions.

    Your daughters have a right to privacy. Especially about their sex lives,
    including what their future sex lives will be. Including from any adult,
    including their father. Just as much as they have the right to be free from
    unsolicited kisses from boys. Just as much as they have the right to be free
    from discrimination of any kind. And harassment. And the right to be seen as
    persons, that should be able to grow up in a world that is free of their own
    parents writing public blog posts about them and their sex lives before they
    are even of the age of consent.

    Let’s put this another way. Let’s say you are a teacher. (i.e. an adult in a
    guardianship role of power over kids.) You spot the same kind of thing happen
    to a 12 year old girl in your class, and write a blog post about it on your
    teacher’s blog, and how you hope your female students grow up to be lesbians
    and etc etc. Basically, you write a similar public post about the girl in your
    class as a teacher instead of as a father. Do you think your female students
    would have a case of sexual harassment against you? Damn straight they would.
    What makes your daughter any different? Do you own her? Is she just an
    extension of you, so that you are entitled to muse about her personal and sex life in your blog? I guess it makes it ok if you use self-depracatory remarks at the same time? No. It doesn’t.

    That is what is so ironic about perceptions about woman in this culture. You
    write this post, you say, in the spirit of wanting to help your daughters, and
    yet, through the means by which you do so, you infringe on them as girls and as
    developing autonomous people.

    You like honesty right? So I’m going to be honest. Frankly, I think you really
    want to protect your daughters, you should start by mentally apologize to them
    and delete this whole post and anything else like it that infringes on their
    personal space. Print it out if you must, but put it in a box if you keep it,
    along with your apology. Maybe read some books on the rights of developing
    children to privacy, and some feminist literature on the nature of dominance
    and aggression and emotional boundaries. You could share the box and post and
    apology with them when they are 30 or 40, and hopefully also tell them how that
    incident with the little boy helped you to also become a father who hopefully
    learned that increasing awareness to reduce dominance and aggression towards
    women involves not just being careful to respect a woman’s personal bodily
    space, but also the mental personal space of the developing girl.

    Am I overreacting? Maybe.

    Or, maybe you should go talk to a lawyer who specializes in cases of abuse and human rights. Or a counsellor. Better yet, go and talk to multiple experts on gender, ethics, human rights and sexual exploitation. For starters.

    Maybe read Buber’s “I and Thou” while you are at it.

    You say “Choose Yourself”.

    Maybe this is the root right there. This is, to me, an incomplete statement, because it is an incomplete representation of what makes life worthwhile. There is a
    reason why solitary confinement is one of the toughest punishments.

    Want to do some real good in the world? Want to make up for pissing all over
    the territory of your own children? Write a book about what you learn through the
    process of questioning your own motivations in doing things like disclosing the private lives of your own children to benefit the traffic on your own blog.
    It looks like it is using them to sensationalize your posts and personally profit from it. While, they may end up being hurt by it. And, that is what exploitation is all about.

    So, study that. And write about that. This time, only, just maybe, don’t write it for you. Use that amazing gift that you have honed, and, what a concept—do it for them.

    Choose them.

    Jiminy Cricket would, I’m sure, respectfully agree.

    Respectfully,

    A Little Bird

  • God is real

    What the heck is wrong with you

  • Secret Diva

    James, James, James….where have you been all my life? Misanthropy is the only way I have coped with the realization that there is a chance for me to ever find a safe place in the universe. Not even this body I get around in is safe. A billion thankyous from this woman.

  • albert mark

    Outstanding
    efforts for making this blog!! Your writers and your work are really
    appreciative.
    phlebotomist
    training

  • Gina Kane

    I am happy you posted this. Women often blame themselves, which leads to many problems later. It’s good you were there and I bet it made a big difference.

  • Bleh

    .