…
At the core, I don’t think this post is really about whether your daughters
should be lesbians to keep them safe in the future – when men will be stronger
and hornier. It’s about YOU after all. Right? Your name and picture is all over
this blog.

Your book is also titled “Choose Yourself”, indicating that’s
what you have chosen (neglecting, perhaps, that you do not live on an
island or in a vacuum, but in interrelationship with other people who
also have rights to be free from some of the things you may like to do in your fantasy world. John Donne wrote about this far more eloquently
than I in his poem, No Man is an Island.)

At what point does your right to write, and choose to forge your own personal destiny and empire of full disclosure cross the rights of your daughters’ to their
ownprivacy and personal boundaries?

(You’re not the only person struggling with this mind you. Perhaps we all are. Breaking Bad wasn’t such a success for no reason. At the end, what does he admit to his wife about who he did it all for (when he had been claiming all along that he was doing it for his wife and kids)? Now there’s a question to meditate on.)

So, what can a father do to help his daughters learn their boundaries, and also
learn how to protect them from mental, verbal, physical, sexual, emotional etc
etc abuse. From bullying. Including from himself, if need be. Well, how
about dads stay out of their daughters sex lives for one, when
uninvited, including in public blog posts. Like this one. (As my own, now older, daughters would eloquently say, “Ewww! A dad blogged about hoping his daughter would become a lesbian? Eww. Gross. How embarrassing!!”)

We ALL have to face issues growing up of other people treating us in ways that
we do not want or appreciate. And we all have to learn to deal with it. Girls
are sometimes aggressive and hurtful to girls, girls do it to boys, boys do it
to boys, and boys do it to girls. And they then sometimes grow up to continue
to act in aggressive and hurtful ways (intentional or otherwise) to other
people when they are adults. Depending on how often they do it, they might also
be described by psychologists as having a personality disorder.

Men, it is true, do tend to behave more often it seems in more aggressive and
dominating (i.e. abusive) ways towards women. And, for that matter, to other men. But in pair bonds between same sex couples, including lesbians, that
dominance behaviour by one to the other often rears its aggressive head, too.
As other commenters have noted, lesbianism is NOT a way to shangrila. (And it’s
also disturbing how some men seem to glorify lesbianism, seeming to almost
project their sexual fetishes on it. You wouldn’t be doing that now. Right?)

Don’t forget psychopathy. That’s the kicker. Considering that about 1 in 100
men clinically fits into the personality type of a psychopath, I suggest you
read some Robert Hare on that one, and learn more about his checklist, because
chances are that your girls will have to deal with at least one of these in
their life. God forbid. If not in the bedroom, then in the office, like Hare’s
book, Snakes in Suits, points out. Things like aggression, narcissism,
dominance, manipulation, lack of empathy, inability to put one in another’s shoes etc, tend to fall on a spectrum. (These types of guys are also very good at
turning kids against their parents, so I’d advise your daughters early, while
they are still listening to you, that when they meet people who try to make
their family look bad, that that is a flag. A warning sign. It could be ok. But
it could also indicate that person is trying to isolate them from their family
to do something bad to them. Anyone that tries to turn someone against their
family is suspect. (On the other hand, some families are abusive, so it’s not always
that simple, but you get my drift.))

What you find at the far end of the psychopathic personality type (which is a
biologically adaptive in many species by the way), makes its way in shades
along the whole spectrum of personality traits. Learn and identify these
aggressive traits that cross different types of boundaries with your daughters.
That’s the first step to mental fortitude against this kind of stuff. The a, b,
c’s of identifying the dangerous traits first.

I’m not saying your girls have to grow up to be nasty people too, mind you. The
next step is not emulating, as many people are prone to in our modern society.
Like some Mean Girls movie. No. Look into ways of raising your daughters to be
warriors who are loving as lambs with the lambs, but know how to bear their
claws when the tigers come around. Like I mentioned at the start, ‘zen’
warrior. This includes your daughters learning ways to bear their ‘claws’ in a
safe way now and then themselves in shows of strength. Not in a hurtful way.
But indirectly. In a safe forum, that gets the point across that they are not
to be messed with. This is an art, mind you, and not one that is that well
developed in our culture. But it is a very useful art. Kids that do this well
(and adults too) find ways to indirectly show other kids that they’re not
wusses, and they are not vulnerable, so they would make easy targets.

I suggest that, along with teaching your daughters the usual emotional intelligence stuff, that you also learn about the character traits of narcissists and psychopaths/sociopaths, and inform your daughters, that, just like in little red riding hood, there ARE wolves in kind granny clothing out there in the world of humans. And considering that psychopaths are also engaging and charismatic, they will also
be good at charming the pants of people (and if they are a con, the money out
of wallets). Legends about vampires, and more recent stories about emotional
vampires, are probably linked with this personality type. Even trained
psychologists can get taken in by some of these smooth talkers. And these kinds
of charismatic, but deceptive and manipulative, personality traits is likely
what is behind the stats that most girls that end up getting sexually abused
have received the bad treatment at the hands of someone that they knew, and
likely trusted. Not some random stranger. Therefore, teach them to spot the
wolf in sheep’s clothing. There are signs. (Robert Hare reference again.) Learn
them and share them with your girls. Especially if your have sweet daughters
that might appear naive. Or if you have beautiful daughters. The reddest apple
on the tree is the one that catches the eye, that to the predatory mind, seems
to call out to be plucked. (Ok, that sounds gross, but I hope it gets the point
across. That’s what many sexual aggressors often say. “She wanted it.” (i.e.,
that apple was so red). I’ve known these types. It is NOT fun, as a girl,
learning to deal with this.)

So, back to the title. How about: “I want my girls to grow up to be happy.” That’s like what you say YOU want in another post of yours I read. So how about you want that for your daughters, too. Focus on THAT, not on them being lesbians or whatever. Sorry dad. Their sex life is THEIR sex life, unless THEY invite you in to chat about it. (And even if they do, this is an area to tred with caution in.)

But you most certainly are within your right to want and work hard to support
them being happy.

So work back from there. Imagine your daughters as happy adults. Happy and
confident and strong. Learn what it takes for people to grow up to be happy,
healthy and content. Strong. Resilient.

What DOES it take a young woman to grow up to be happy? Part of it is that it’s
about learning to recognize yourself as a person first. A sentient being. An
actor (not a passive recipient). A subject. Not an object. With RIGHTS.
including the right to learn about your rights as part of your education, and
your personal boundaries–mental, emotional, and physical–and how to protect
them. With arms that move like Bruce Lee punches, thoughts that move like
lightening, and wit that moves like photons. And a heart that is resilient as
the sun that wakes each morning.

AND with boundaries that stem from those rights. Including the boundary of
being free of your own father writing public posts (and it looks like this has
been done without your daughter’s permission–how could they even possibly give
permission at their age), about what happened to you at a party (embarrassing
enough that it happened but now her dad has to go smear it all over the
interwebs!?), and what he wants for your sex life. It’s not for us as parents
to project onto our kids what we want for their life, especially their sex
life. It’s for us to facilitate THEM (child centric. Not about YOU. About THEM.
Not like your personal career, parenting is about THEM) to pursue their dreams,
and teach them how to be diligent to work towards those goals, and not let the
creeps and jerks stand in their way. Not let anyone do to them what they don’t
want done.

It’s not the end of the world if a girl meets a pushy jerk. It’s not the end of
the world that you wrote this post. Everyone messes up at a parent sometimes. The key is to take the thing that has led to an adverse effect (like the situation with the boy party kisser), or could lead to an adverse effect (like this post), and learn from it. Things that go bad are actually a great opportunity and learning moment. Ask your daughter (and she doesn’t have to share them with you if she isn’t comfortable talking about it, but she should be encouraged to ask herself.) Were there any signs that led up to the bad event? What was the behaviour of that boy in the months, years, weeks, day before that event? Were there any things he did that stuck out that might be indicators? What was their relationship like before hand? What did
your daughter do that might have contributed to the event that she can learn
from? Was she nice to him? Boys often interpret that as flirting at that age.

What could she have done better during the event itself? Or beforehand to
prevent it from happening? Was it random? Was it all him? Was there any
possible little thing that she learned that she could do differently next time, before,
during, or after the event, that would make the outcome come out in a way that
would be more to her liking (and be appropriate and reasonable)? How could she
better assert her boundaries with that boy?

Role play and discuss different scenarios. Ways to show up bullies, without becoming a bully yourself, and without looking stupid. This can be a fun thing to do. Encourage them to share stories about what boys (and other girls) sometimes do to trick or fool them or other kids. Or ask them about things that happen, and
discuss what could have happened that would maybe have changed the outcome.

Martial arts. Self defense class. These things are great. But more than that,
we parents need to become more intelligent than our parents were about self
defense of the mind. Of our mental-emotional body. Knowing our rights. And
learning where our rights end and the rights of another begin. Looking for
signs of aggression and dominance. Knowing how to appear, and actually BE
strong. (Aggressive types often prey on those they perceive as vulnerable.)
And, knowing different reasonable and kickass ways of how to stand up for our
rights. In and out of the bedroom, the playground, the classroom, the party….

In and off the internet.

When I was a kid, I remember coming home from school crying in Gr 1. In this
case it was about what one of my girlfriends did. My mother consoled me and
listened to me. And then she told me that sometimes people in the world are
bad. She didn’t know why she said, but people do mean things, and poor me. She
commiserated about what jerks people are. Wipe up the tears, Hug hug, kiss
kiss. She probably then gave me a cookie and told me to try and forget about
it. She was doing the best she could at the time to help me out, but in
retrospect, it was not very good advise. Not very helpful anyhow at learning
how to actually deal with these kinds of situations.

No one is a perfect parent. I appreciate you trying to help your daughters, but
I am not a fan of how you are doing it in this particular case. We all
come from different backgrounds and learn the best we can. I’ve come to learn
that there are some lines of privacy that are important to child development,
and maybe you should think a little more about the right to privacy your kids have
and how you are taking that away from them in this blog forum.

Maybe MANY parents who post stuff about their under age kids on the internet should think about this.

How would you have liked it as an emerging teen if your parents had the ability
to write public blog posts, and one day you stumbled on a post your dad wrote
about you, and his desire that you would grow up to be gay. Or his fear that
you are gay? Or about how some guy bullied you and he worries about you? Or how about if your friends came across that kind of blog post about you by your own
father? What do you think that could lead to? I can think of a few worst-case
scenarios. Maybe you would even start to question that maybe you actually are
gay if your dad thinks you are, or should be. The power of suggestion can be
very strong. Especially from a parent. (Especially from a parent with the gift
to communicate, like you.) Or what if the other kids then started calling you
gay?

Or beat you up for it?

Your blog is about YOUR life, “confidential.” Great!! Wonderful! Love that.
Awesome writing. Great personal disclosure and all that. You are very talented
at what you do. But. BUT. Does that, then, ALSO give you the right to talk
about your daughters’ personal lives too?

I, for one, think not. I would frame this as exploitation. Or at least
dangerously bordering on it.

A 12 year old girl, finding and reading this kind of blog post by her own
father could potentially amount to a cosmic mind f-ck. A 12 year old girl is still a
developing child. As a developing child, she wouldn’t have the mental or
emotional capacity to know how to deal with it at that age. (What? My dad
thinks I should become a lesbian?) She would not know at 16 how to deal with it
either, and maybe not even at 20. It is upsetting that an intelligent man like
you, and most of the commenters on this blog are so cavalier about this.

Don’t agree with me? Ask some professionals on child psychology. On child abuse. On emotional and verbal abuse. On verbal sexual abuse. Especially abuse towards
children, who actually ARE vulnerable. It is our job to protect them as adults.

And that’s why I’m writing this post. Because it is obvious from your blog that
you care about you, but I am worried about who is protecting your daughters
from you. Maybe they don’t need any protection and I’m totally off base. But if I am at all correct, maybe you need to revisit some of those assumptions.

Your daughters have a right to privacy. Especially about their sex lives,
including what their future sex lives will be. Including from any adult,
including their father. Just as much as they have the right to be free from
unsolicited kisses from boys. Just as much as they have the right to be free
from discrimination of any kind. And harassment. And the right to be seen as
persons, that should be able to grow up in a world that is free of their own
parents writing public blog posts about them and their sex lives before they
are even of the age of consent.

Let’s put this another way. Let’s say you are a teacher. (i.e. an adult in a
guardianship role of power over kids.) You spot the same kind of thing happen
to a 12 year old girl in your class, and write a blog post about it on your
teacher’s blog, and how you hope your female students grow up to be lesbians
and etc etc. Basically, you write a similar public post about the girl in your
class as a teacher instead of as a father. Do you think your female students
would have a case of sexual harassment against you? Damn straight they would.
What makes your daughter any different? Do you own her? Is she just an
extension of you, so that you are entitled to muse about her personal and sex life in your blog? I guess it makes it ok if you use self-depracatory remarks at the same time? No. It doesn’t.

That is what is so ironic about perceptions about woman in this culture. You
write this post, you say, in the spirit of wanting to help your daughters, and
yet, through the means by which you do so, you infringe on them as girls and as
developing autonomous people.

You like honesty right? So I’m going to be honest. Frankly, I think you really
want to protect your daughters, you should start by mentally apologize to them
and delete this whole post and anything else like it that infringes on their
personal space. Print it out if you must, but put it in a box if you keep it,
along with your apology. Maybe read some books on the rights of developing
children to privacy, and some feminist literature on the nature of dominance
and aggression and emotional boundaries. You could share the box and post and
apology with them when they are 30 or 40, and hopefully also tell them how that
incident with the little boy helped you to also become a father who hopefully
learned that increasing awareness to reduce dominance and aggression towards
women involves not just being careful to respect a woman’s personal bodily
space, but also the mental personal space of the developing girl.

Am I overreacting? Maybe.

Or, maybe you should go talk to a lawyer who specializes in cases of abuse and human rights. Or a counsellor. Better yet, go and talk to multiple experts on gender, ethics, human rights and sexual exploitation. For starters.

Maybe read Buber’s “I and Thou” while you are at it.

You say “Choose Yourself”.

Maybe this is the root right there. This is, to me, an incomplete statement, because it is an incomplete representation of what makes life worthwhile. There is a
reason why solitary confinement is one of the toughest punishments.

Want to do some real good in the world? Want to make up for pissing all over
the territory of your own children? Write a book about what you learn through the
process of questioning your own motivations in doing things like disclosing the private lives of your own children to benefit the traffic on your own blog.
It looks like it is using them to sensationalize your posts and personally profit from it. While, they may end up being hurt by it. And, that is what exploitation is all about.

So, study that. And write about that. This time, only, just maybe, don’t write it for you. Use that amazing gift that you have honed, and, what a concept—do it for them.

Choose them.

Jiminy Cricket would, I’m sure, respectfully agree.

Respectfully,

A Little Bird

Dear James Altucher,

I suggest you get your hands on some

books on feminist theory, psychological theory on boundaries, and

different modes of exploitation. Fast.

Learn about theories on

sexism, and different types of abuse and domination. The kinds of things

you don’t want happening to your daughters. And probably the kinds of

things that your ego would prefer to ignore and deny. But, if a real man

is what you are, then you would be, how did you say it, able to “take

it”. The kind of man who actually wants to protect his family would be

able to take it. Or are you the herald from the land that forgot what

family even is? And the only person you really know how to look after is

“number one”. i.e. You. Have you really, chosen yourself?

I am compelled to write this post because, there are many things about this

post that are, well, frankly, disturbing. So disturbing, that my heart

goes out to your daughters, and all our daughters, from this type of

thinking. (Offensive to straight women? Umm. No. This article is

offensive to ALL women. It’s offensive to the advances made in the

thinking that went into forging democratic nations. (i.e. civil

liberties and the idea that we can all, equally grow up in

freedom–freedom to pursue what makes us happy, and freedom from harm

from others). This article is offensive to anyone who wants to actually

protect the well being of children. And it’s particularly offensive to

your daughters, the ones you say you want to protect. They wont be nine,

and ignoring your work on the internet forever, and your sexist slurs

and insinuations.)

I agree with that Jiminy Cricket (Disney’s

version of “Il Grillo Parlante” the talking cricket in Pinocchio, a

great book to read with your kids by the way) by the way. That is, the

voice of your conscience, that was making you feel nervous and delay

posting this in the first place.

I think that instinct was right.

This post crosses the line. And I hope I manage to effectively put into

words for you as to why. Because this is a line, that we, as adults,

need to learn how to define and negotiate so as to create a better, not

shittier, world for our children. (Unless you don’t give a damn about

that kind of thing. Then go ahead, drink whiskey, make misogynistic

jokes in the boardroom with the guys, and be a MAN.)

If you want

to help your daughters grow up to be strong women. then ne of the best

things you can do is to become a man who is more aware than other men

about the kind of power, sexism, and gender issues they will face in

their lives. Issues beyond a boy from class giving them an unwanted

kiss.

There are many kinds of violence. Many kinds of crossing the

boundaries of another person without his/her willful consent. Many kinds of

behaviour that cross personal lines.

This post encapsulates one of the behaviours that I believe crosses that line.
Ironically,

you say you are trying to help your daughters, but ultimately, I would warn you

that this post could be very harmful to them, and to other girls, in

perpetuating the notion that this kind of public discourse about our kids’ sex

lives–our daughters’ personal lives–is A OK.

And

to other young men, trying to figure it out. Absorbing your

assumptions. Not getting closer to women, but getting more into

themselves, and into, ultimately, ending up alone.

Where do I start?

For starters, the title of this post…

Let’s just assume for now that publicly posting pictures and articles

about our kids (that someone in the world could read and then go and bug the

kid about in real life) is totally ok to begin with (which I don’t actually

think it is in every case). How about saying instead, “I want my daughters

to grow up to be happy, self-actualized people”? Or, “I want my
daughters

to grow up to be kickass zen warriors.” Or “I want my daughters to

grow up to walk softly, but carry big sticks, and know how to use them.”

There is a common flaw in the logic that says that to protect women, you have

to keep them away from men.

Hmm.

How about keeping them away from the flawed logic that women are weak

and vulnerable *objects*. Let me define this term to make myself clear.

What

is an “object” in this context? Objects are, by definition, unable of

*acting* as subjects (i.e. “I” (the subject of this sentence) act on X

(the object of the sentence). How about NOT implying that women are

these weak, hapless creatures, incapable of standing up to men;

incapable of playing the main part in their own lives (and just being

acted on by men, either rapists who would sexually exploit them, or

fathers who would “protect” them through writing blogs about their

personal lives.

Hence, women, as passive objects should stick to

having a sexual ‘lesbian’ (with the implicit assumption in that that

lesbians are weak, harmless and nonaggressive. Ya, right!) relationships

to keep them safe from harmful, rapey, men? Say, did you say you came

from the Middle East?

As my own teenage daughters would say,

“EWWW!”

How about NOT also concurrently implying that men are fundamentally aggressive,

with rapist tendencies. There are many incredibly sensitive, considerate,

highly aware, amazing lover, gentle-men out there too. (Take a look at the
scene in

“This is the End” written by Seth Rogen. The scene about ‘rapey vibe’

is pretty awesome. Have your girls see that (when they are older). Brilliant

bit of writing by Rogen on that one. Awesome shovel wielding by Emma Watson

too. This is a great scene because it shows that socially and emotionally

educated guys actually have a healthy fear of not being ‘rapey’, even with

other guys. Have your girls know how to spot and prefer to hang with *those*

guys,

with that kind of world view. Preferably not the ones with the view

that girls should be paired with other girls to keep them safe, or maybe

we should dress them in long black dresses, with veils over their heads

and faces too?)

This entire post is unfortunately framed in a

gender stereotyped way that actually sexualizes your daughters by your

projecting your own aspirations

about your daughters growing up to be lesbians. I don’t hold it against

you since you are an American man, from a military state that glorifies

violence, and has a recent evolutionary history of looking at women as being
weak and fickle and all that fun historic stuff.

It also seems you have a business background; traditional economic

theory defines success as the thorough exploitation of things (i.e., objects,

like natural resources), that are also sometimes taken through things like

‘hostile takeovers’ if necessary. I would argue that this kind of aggro

attitude is also a contributory factor to what is messing up our collective
environment.

In

economic terms, (Partha Dasgupta is a great read on this topic), you

are also ‘externalizing’ your daughters. Not only are they objects–who

belong to you/come from you, so they apparently and implicitly by you

writing this in the first place– but they have no individual rights to

privacy from their father talking about their

sex lives in public.

Why would objects, things, have rights? Well, they DO have rights. And

are entitled to their personal space, and their own feelings. And they

have the ability to, as you observed, be hurt. They are developing

children. This is the case for all children. And, the cavalier writing

of this blog also externalizes the potentially adverse effects on them

that might happen as a result of this blog post. They may, down the

line, experience adverse effects of this blog post, and the way of

thinking that informs the assumptions of this post too, while you,

evidently, benefit from it.

This kind of disclosure of your personal thoughts and fears on the matter is

perfectly fine for an ANONYMOUS blog, or to discuss with a good friend or

therapist. Or maybe to disclose in a biography after your kids are grown, and,

more

importantly, are able to give you their consent. (Unless you want to

piss them off, and then call them weak for it, the abuser’s excuse. You

would do well to note that other authors who have written about the

“truths” they saw around in this inconsiderate way lost friends as a

result. (Truman Capote being one. And Bukowski, who you say you admire,

was also known to some as a sexist jerk. That’s all a well and good

“man’s man: way to be as a writer… In the spirit of Hemingway. An

alcoholic, tough as nails, honest, asshole. Until, that is, you happen

to have daughters. Nothing to mess up a good macho persona like having a

daughter. Or a son, if you have half a heart left).

But…these are your *honest* thoughts after all, correct? This is a blog about

personal disclosure, correct? Yes. BUT, just because they are honest thoughts

about your daughters does NOT make it appropriate for you to disclose them in a

public forum. You have freedom “to”, but your daughters also have
freedom

“from”. And sometimes, that can be a fine line. (btw sorry for the

allcaps. Not yelling. Consider them to be italics, same as stars.) If I’m a

boss and I get honest randy thoughts about a staffer, would it be appropriate

for

me to share them? Fine line. If a teacher gets the thought in her head

when a student misbehaves that the kid is an ‘asshole’, should she say

it? Finer line.

We have a duty to protect our kids. Including from ourselves.

(More about this public forum and fine lines with honesty thing later.

For now, back to gender stereotyping, and discussing sexual aggressive acts

like they are about gender and sex.)

What happened to your daughter with that boy is NOT about gender and sex. (Ok,

maybe it is also somewhat related to gender and sex.) Draw the behaviours in a

Venn diagram. Really. Rape. Assault. Harassment. These behaviours are all

about

power and domination, NOT really about sex. Sure, perpetrators of these

things use sexual acts as the conduit, but at the core they are about

dominance, and a kind of personal violence, involving a lack of mutual

consent.

In kid terms, it’s about bullying.

Not sex and

lesbianism or what have you. (I don’t know if that little boy who kissed

your daughter was a bully, or just some kid who liked your daughter and

tried to express it, albeit in a poorly chosen way, or if he was trying

to dominate her, or was doing a childish dare, or what. So I wont pass

judgement on what his intentions were. Maybe he acted in an innocent,

but dumb way, but I’ll just go with the assumption that it was

aggressive considering how you’ve described it.)

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that rape is actually a crime of *violence*. I

suggest that you look into WHY that is. Philosophically. Psychologically.
Ethically.

Legally. This is a good thing to meditate about mindfully as well. Clarity on

this

likely won’t come overnight. I hope you can learn and help your

daughters, so they don’t have to teach themselves, the way many women

have to learn–the hard way.

The devil is in the details, and we as a society are just starting to come to
grips

with these kinds of things. Personal violence, crossing of boundaries in ways

that end up being harmful, is still rampant in much of the world. Including by

parents on kids (need I mention female circumcision?). This fine line is also

at the heart of discrimination in the work place. There are many people in many

places acting in self-serving ways, not thinking about the potential adverse

effects on others, not thinking about the potential adverse effects on the

social system the live in–that we all live in–together.

Ripples effects…(cont…)

I never said you were ugly – plus, I don’t think you should use a description of your body as proof of your attractiveness. It sort of negates your first arguments about women’s body parts.

And finally, thank you for comparing my intellect to a wet carrot – I take it as a compliment (as well as a great demonstration of your ability to make a solid intellectual argument)

Also, I’m totally hot. It matters not to me if you think I’m ugly because this is the internet and I have no way to prove it, nor do I feel the need to. If you wanna think I’m ugly because it makes you happier, thats fine. Just know you’d be wrong.