Archive for June, 2011

  • Suicide, and 13 Other Ways to Deal with Failure
    Posted by on June 23rd, 2011 at 4:21 pm, Comments: 0

    I’m really scared to stand in one place in Grand Central. Because then you hear all the people who are doomed rushing around you.  But that’s where I was yesterday.  Two older guys in suits, red and brown ties, gray hair, glasses, balding, big noses, big guts, walking faster than they normally walk so they were out of breath, and saying, “hopefully Neogenetics will buy us  after they meet us.”

    Trust me, they won’t.

    Another pair, two women, were saying, “one day he will be Secretary General of the UN” and the other girl said, “we can only hope.” Well, don’t hope anymore. He won’t be.

  • 16 Failures out of 17 Attempts
    Posted by on June 22nd, 2011 at 8:21 pm, Comments: 0

    What a wierd thing. Its only 8am and so far today I’ve already seen three different, young, pretty women, each with the same distracting physical feature. They all had only one hand. And it’s distracting me from the real issue I wanted to write about. It makes me wonder: will someone brand new love them? If I weren’t already married would I have enough love to share for all three of them?

    STOP distracting me, girls.  You’re all dealing with it!  Two of you were even laughing. I don’t know what happened. They all lost a hand. Let’s move on. In other news,  this morning I’ve finally looked at my personal statistics: Sixteen out of the past seventeen businesses I’ve tried didn’t work out.

  • The Best Trader In the World Worked for Bernie Madoff
    Posted by on June 21st, 2011 at 4:29 pm, Comments: 0

    The night Bernie Madoff got caught for running a $60 billion Ponzi scheme I got a call from my friend “Eddie” (not his real name) who for many years worked for Madoff. I couldn’t tell if he was crying but he was very upset. “I can’t believe it,” he said, “Bernie was like a father to me. Mark Madoff was like a brother to me.” We spoke on and off all night as more news came in and he came to grips with the new world he was living in.

  • My Summer Reading List, and Other Ways I’ve Ruined My Life
    Posted by on June 20th, 2011 at 6:51 pm, Comments: 0

    It was really horrible what I did to them. Grad school! All my classes paid for plus an entire $1100 stipend a month to live on. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I was rich. I was Jimmy Rockefeller. I felt like every worry in life had now shed off me. I was free. And then I really committed a foul crime for it that I’m ashamed of.

  • Going to Riker’s Island Prison at 3 in the Morning
    Posted by on June 19th, 2011 at 12:44 pm, Comments: 0

    I don’t think any of the prostitutes were above the age of 18. One girl told me she was sixteen but who knows. They were all black. The 16 year old was laughing and sort of skipping around while she was talking to me. We were in Long Island City in Queens at three in the morning. They were waiting for the bus to return from Riker’s Island, the prison. All around me were prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers. It sounds overly dramatic to say it that way but that’s what their jobs were and this was their place of work. This particular bus stop was like a bloody, inflected gash at the bottom of Queens. We were the fleas filling it, an endless advancement from sorrow to sorrow. The last street at the end of the world.