Archive for July, 2011

All I Ever Wanted Was Money

JFKhughesH2

All I wanted was money. My whole life. When I was 12 I read every book about Howard Hughes. How he had fingernails that were so long they curled around his fingers. He stored his urine and shit in bottles so they could be studied later. He only hired Mormons who would every day measure […] Read On…

Why A Grenade Needs To Get Thrown At Me

grenade_paratrooper_1943_700

I was at another dinner and the  guy who bought and runs  a major chain of yogurt stores in the United States stared straight at me, past about five other people in between us and said, his face slightly red, his voice raised,  “I’ve done two tours in Vietnam. Nobody should be pontificating about wars […] Read On…

My One Year Anniversary Today – Did I Scam Her?

(I hadn't seen this photo before when i was peeking in Claudia's Picasa. She's looking a bit SKEPTICAL at City Hall here. Just SIGN RIGHT HERE, Baby!)

It was too much work trying to meet women. My sister met her and said right away, “when are you going to marry this girl?” So like any 18 year old nerdy guy (except I was 41), I proposed fairly quickly. And right when I had the opportunity, I locked it down. Now its one […] Read On…

Mouse in the Salad

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A few months ago I was playing backgammon with Stephen Dubner when we saw something that was so repulsive it almost made me throw up right on the spot. And I thought Dubner was going to pass out because I’ve seen him do that before in situations that other people might just label “gross” and […] Read On…

I am the Bravest Man Alive!

Yesterday, 10pm, I was asleep and the opening of my bedroom door woke me up – my 9 year old daughter was in a panic. “Something’s wrong with Josie!” Josie is her older sister. Like any concerned father I tried to keep my eyes shut, “What?” I murmured. “You have to come down!” she said. […] Read On…

How To Be a Comedian

“I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic” “You have the timing of diarrhea in the 9th inning” “That’s an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?” The jokes are offensive and depraved. The best comedians are truly twisted humans who have a private truth in the center of their black holes […] Read On…

Life Tastes Best When You Eat What You Kill

planetoftheapes

An anonymous commenter named “Frank” wrote on an article I wrote yesterday, “Every time Altucher opens his mouth or posts commentary, he subtracts from the sum total of all human knowledge.” Frank is absolutely right and I congratulate him for recognizing that. I do subtract from the sum total of all human knowledge when I […] Read On…