Archive for July, 2011
How To Be a Comedian
Posted by James Altucher on July 24th, 2011 at 7:17 pm, Comments: 0
“I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic”
“You have the timing of diarrhea in the 9th inning”
“That’s an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?”
The jokes are offensive and depraved. The best comedians are truly twisted humans who have a private truth in the center of their black holes and they have the honesty and skill to share it with us. I can’t stop laughing when I read his stuff or see him on TV or in a movie. That’s Jim Norton. He’s been around the block awhile as a standup comedian but I first saw him (as an adult) on the HBO series “Lucky Louie” (starring my favorite comedian, Louis CK) where he was the disgusting neighbor always popping in and making gross jokes. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him. An old man! I watched his HBO special and also his series where he’d bring on other new comedians. I then read his books “Happy Endings” and “I Hate Your Guts”.
Life Tastes Best When You Eat What You Kill
Posted by James Altucher on July 21st, 2011 at 9:42 am, Comments: 0
An anonymous commenter named “Frank” wrote on an article I wrote yesterday, “Every time Altucher opens his mouth or posts commentary, he subtracts from the sum total of all human knowledge.”
Frank is absolutely right and I congratulate him for recognizing that. I do subtract from the sum total of all human knowledge when I speak. I’m not human. I hunt humans down. I then eat what I kill. Frank is afraid maybe that I’m trying to take too much of the knowledge he spent 40 or 70 years learning. It’s ok, Frank. You can keep your knowledge. I won’t take it from you. You can go home now.
Four Psychics, Two Successes, and Unrequited Lust
Posted by James Altucher on July 19th, 2011 at 7:36 pm, Comments: 0
In 1997, a partner at a venture capital firm mentioned to me that he owed all of his success and millions to a psychic named Mercedes that lived right on the other side of the tunnel in NJ. It took three months to land an appointment. I got there, in her heavily Hispanic neighborhood, and I had to wait. She had a customer. Her store smelled like incense and was filled with little statues of Jesus, and other statues of things I didn’t recognize.
The Greatest Artist You Never Heard Of
Posted by James Altucher on July 18th, 2011 at 3:30 pm, Comments: 0
There was a scene with prostitutes and homeless kids that we were trying to film for the 3am pilot where we were trying to get them all to fight each other. Jon Alpert, who had produced a bunch of documentaries for HBO was hired to be my chaperone on this part of the project. Some of his documentaries include “High on Crack Street” and its sequel “High on Crack Street 2″, which, believe it or not, I think is one of the best documentaries ever.
9 Ways to Fight Fear
Posted by James Altucher on July 17th, 2011 at 2:36 pm, Comments: 0
She called me this morning and asked, “you never told me about that ex girlfriend who spoke French who you got pregnant. How come?” She had read my blog. I was afraid I had shared too much. I was afraid it would come back to haunt me.
I’m tired of being afraid. From the moment we’re born we are always in a fight. We fight to eat, we fight to stand up, we fight to control our bowels. Finally we shit by ourselves, in clean porcelain bowls. What an achievement! The first of many. The first of many happinesses that become aborted, miscarried joy strewn everywhere throughout our lives as we hurry to our death.
- How to Self-Publish a Bestseller: Publishing 3.0
- 7 Things Happen to You When You Are Completely Honest
- How to Deal With Crappy People
- 10 More Reasons You Need to Quit Your Job Right Now!
- The 100 Rules for Being an Entrepreneur
- 33 Unusual Tips to Being a Better Writer
- How to be THE LUCKIEST GUY ON THE PLANET in 4 Easy Steps
- 10 Unusual Things I Didn’t Know About Steve Jobs
- 8 Alternatives to College
- I’m Completely Humiliated by Yoga
- How I Screwed Yasser Arafat out of $ 2mm (and lost $ 100mm in the process)
Older Entries »
- 10 Things I Learned While Interviewing Tony Robbins About His New Book “Money”
- Ep. 62 – Tony Robbins: Money Is Just A Game
- Ep. 61 – Trip Adler: Overnight Success 7 Years in the Making
- Nothing Is Wrong With You
- Ep. 59 – Brian Koppelman Ruined My Life
- 21 or 22 Yet Even More Amazing Tips to Be a Better Writer
- Ep. 54 – Gabriel Weinberg: The Man Who is Fighting Google
- The Idea Matrix – What Changed Everyone’s Life After “Choose Yourself”
- Life is Like a Game. Here’s How You Master ANY Game
- Step By Step Guide to Make $10 Million And Then Totally Blow It
- Can You Do One Page a Day?
- The Secrets of Personal Finance
- 10 Things You Need to Know To Become a Great Leader
- OK. One Quote from Robin Williams
- The Worst Interview EVER. What I Learned From It.
- What’s It Like to Lose $100,000,000 at Facebook