Archive for July, 2011

  • How To Be a Comedian
    Posted by on July 24th, 2011 at 7:17 pm, Comments: 0

    “I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic”

    “You have the timing of diarrhea in the 9th inning”

    “That’s an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?”

  • Life Tastes Best When You Eat What You Kill
    Posted by on July 21st, 2011 at 9:42 am, Comments: 0

    An anonymous commenter named “Frank” wrote on an article I wrote yesterday, “Every time Altucher opens his mouth or posts commentary, he subtracts from the sum total of all human knowledge.”

    Frank is absolutely right and I congratulate him for recognizing that. I do subtract from the sum total of all human knowledge when I speak. I’m not human. I hunt humans down. I then eat what I kill. Frank is afraid maybe that I’m trying to take too much of the knowledge he spent 40 or 70 years learning. It’s ok, Frank. You can keep your knowledge. I won’t take it from you. You can go home now.

  • Four Psychics, Two Successes, and Unrequited Lust
    Posted by on July 19th, 2011 at 7:36 pm, Comments: 0

    In 1997, a partner at a venture capital firm mentioned to me that he owed all of his success and millions to a psychic named Mercedes that lived right on the other side of the tunnel in NJ. It took three months to land an appointment. I got there, in her heavily Hispanic neighborhood, and I had to wait. She had a customer. Her store smelled like incense and was filled with little statues of Jesus, and other statues of things I didn’t recognize.

  • The Greatest Artist You Never Heard Of
    Posted by on July 18th, 2011 at 3:30 pm, Comments: 0

    There was a scene with prostitutes and homeless kids that we were trying to film for the 3am pilot where we were trying to get them all to fight each other. Jon Alpert, who had produced a bunch of documentaries for HBO was hired to be  my chaperone on this part of the project. Some of his documentaries include  “High on Crack Street” and its sequel “High on Crack Street 2″, which, believe it or not, I think is one of the best documentaries ever.

  • 9 Ways to Fight Fear
    Posted by on July 17th, 2011 at 2:36 pm, Comments: 0

    She called me this morning and asked,  “you never told me about that ex girlfriend who spoke French who you got pregnant. How come?” She had read my blog. I was afraid I had shared too much. I was afraid it would come back to haunt me.

    I’m tired of being afraid. From the moment we’re born we are always in a fight. We fight to eat, we fight to stand up, we fight to control our bowels. Finally we shit by ourselves, in clean porcelain bowls. What an achievement! The first of many. The first of many happinesses that become aborted, miscarried joy strewn everywhere throughout our lives as we hurry to our death.