As a young man I struggled with depression and thoughts of
ending my life since I was a teenager. My
counselors have thought that a lot of it stems from being sexually abuse by my male
babysitter when I was little and from the physical abuse of my step-father. Somehow I made it through all this and found
a life of love and happiness with my wife and 8 children. We were all very close with a very deep love
and spiritual life. I had never known
anything like it before in my life. But
the depression started coming back as I found myself stressed from working 60
hours a week and still barely making it.
Then a miracle….we inherited close to a million dollars. I had a plan to generate a permanent cash
flow with real estate but never got to implement it due to some errors in
judgment. I just knew I was going to
fail as my childhood programming told me I would. As I turned a million dollars into a
financial disaster, I could see I was losing it all. The feeling that I was unlovable
returned and it seemed like I was trying to prove it as you will see later. This contributed to my depression, which
eventually led to taking antidepressants.
I should also mention that I was self-medicating by escaping with pornography
made easy by the internet age. I also
need to say that even with the use of the pornography I always knew where to
draw the line to not get into affairs or anything like that. But it still has a
way of warping a person’s thinking.

I began taking Effexor in July 2007 and was soon up to 300mg
a day (4 times the usual recommended dose.) I was on it for 4 years. When I
stopped taking it I felt like I woke up from a coma and everyone around me immediately
noticed a huge change in me like my personality came alive.

However, it was too late.
While on Effexor, I began acting out with violence and in many ways that
were out of character for me. I no
longer saw clear lines of right and wrong and I didn’t know (until recently)
that SSRI’s could do this to people. Andrea Yates who drowned her 5 children was on
the same medication I was. (Scary) I
have read many stories like this on http://www.SSRIstories.com.

One of my friends gave me copies of bizarre emails I sent from
this time period because I don’t remember sending them. (Just to show me how
wacked out on the medications I really was.) I also remember making plans to
kill 3 people and myself before I was arrested. I committed a sex offense called GSI (Gross
Sexual Imposition) which is essentially inappropriate illegal touching. It’s hard for me to explain my mentality at
the time because I don’t understand it myself.
All this is consistent with the effects of SSRI’s. Everything from that time is very foggy in my
head. I remember my 4 year old daughter was persistently curious as kids
naturally are. A couple of times, that curiosity led to something unimaginably horrifying.
One time I remember her Mom sending her
up to wake me. Upon waking me she poked me on my underwear and asked me
“what’s this?”. And there was
some touching. At this point I need to say that I did not plan or seek any of
this and I am in no way interested in kids sexually and never have been. (I also did not ever view child pornography
as proven when the police checked my computer) I am also not saying it was her fault as I was
the adult. Anyway, it somehow never
occurred to me that I could get in trouble for any of this as evidenced by the
fact that I did not tell her to keep it a secret or anything like that. Of course she innocently said something to
Mommy. I confessed to the police but my attorney later said I would’ve have
gotten a lot less time if I hadn’t confessed. But I still feel it was the right
thing to do. I also remember sitting in the Police station feeling surprised
that I could get in trouble for what I did. I didn’t understand how I could not
have realized that. I kept thinking what
is wrong with me. (Dr. Breggin explains a lot of this while outlining the
effects of SSRI’s on his website http://www.Breggin.com.)

After all these years I have finally found some of the
answers in my research but it’s too late now because I already lost nearly every
person and thing I value. I haven’t seen
my kids for over 4.5 years. I never did
anything wrong in my life and was a very good father until I was on this
medication and now that I am off it I am horrified and ashamed of what I have
done. I still can’t fathom how I was
capable of doing these things. And now I
will forever have these labels and I have lost everything in my life. Why? Because I trusted a fricken doctor and a
medication to help me. And while I have
been told by several slimy lawyers that I have a case no one will take it
because they all want the easy case. I
have some friends who have stuck by me but most did not. A lot say they forgive me but no longer act
like friends so you can figure it out.
My ex-wife who I thought was my soul mate for life won’t even talk to me
so she hasn’t seen the 57 pages of clinical data on SSRI’s that show what they
did to me.

My last counselor had a patient on the exact same medication
who did the exact same thing I did. I learned a lot about SSRIs on
http://www.Breggin.com. Even though the evidence is out there I know some people won’t
believe me which makes all this even harder.
Dr. Breggin spoke with me on the phone and told that he believes that I
am not responsible for what I did while on the Effexor. He views it as involuntary intoxication
because I did not realize what the drug was doing to me. But I still feel responsible and I can’t stop
thinking about it. I hate what I did. I hate myself for doing it. I don’t understand
how I could have been capable of doing this.
And there’s no relief or release from these thoughts.

To make it worse, the
administration of my church doesn’t want me there but my friends do. The administration did nothing about the man
who threatened me at church. I have been
banned from playing my guitar in our prayer group because of my case even
though the prayer group wants me to play. All this has taught me that no one, absolutely
no one can be trusted to not hurt me. I
know the Lord forgives me but I can’t and don’t know if I ever will be able to. I feel like I deserve to suffer and die and should
go to hell. I don’t think there is any
price high enough for the things I did. That is why I am struggling to survive and
have attempted to end my life. I sat in
my running car for an hour and twenty minutes with a vacuum hose connected from
the exhaust to the interior. (Somehow, a
friend happened to call me and managed to talk me out of it.- I often wish he
hadn’t.) As a result I spent a week in a
mental hospital. Plus I was in the
hospital 3 times last year including 2 major surgeries ending with open heart
bypass surgery. I have multiple physical
problems that I can’t seem to get help with. The things that happened to me in
prison have emotionally scarred me for life.
I still have frequent nightmares 3 years after getting out. I am
consumed with how horrible a person people must think I am. As I walk through a grocery store I wonder
what each person would think if they knew about me. I spend nearly every holiday alone and often
doubt that I am capable of being a productive member of society again. I see families in stores and I see movies and
shows that show people having normal loving relationships and I wonder if I’ll
ever have that again. I ask God where he
was when I was little and the times I needed him. Yet I know He is here for me even if I am sometimes
angry at Him. I see and feel the pain and
suffering in the world and it haunts me. I just want the pain to stop. Sometimes I think I would be doing my kids a
favor by ending my life so they won’t have to face the shame of a father like
me. The way things are going it’s always
possible that I try it again and if I do I know that I won’t fail again. Some
days I believe I can make it others days I don’t see any hope but I am still
here hanging on by a thread every day.
Jesus is all I have left and He is my only chance to make it. I only hope that I am able to hold on. I cling to the good days hoping for more of
them and just try to get through the bad ones with God’s help. I try to find strength in knowing that many
other people out there also suffer with depression, so I am not the only one
fighting this battle. I just have to do
my best to not give into the bad thoughts and painful feelings. If I can just get through the next moment I will make it.

I think if I got cancer I would refuse treatment and say a thankful prayer.

I’m sorry to you folks who believe life is worth living. I’d trade places with you if I could.