Writer’s Block

 

I hate showering. It wastes time. Don’t you think so? It’s like a half hour.  That’s valuable time. I could be learning Latin in that time. I could be reading Shakespeare! And then you have to get into your clothes and I’m usually wet because who can take all that time to dry themselves.

It’s like going to the bathroom in the middle of the night after eating a big dinner. I don’t want to go! Then you start dreaming about going to the bathroom. Those dreams where everywhere you go the door to the bathroom is locked but someone named Batman has the only key but now you can’t find him and once you do and open the bathroom there’s someone there so now you have to find the other bathroom?

(for some reason this image comes from a government website)

Everyone else gets flying dreams. Or dreams where they have meaningful conversations with dead people. Like they wake up and say, “wow, I just spoke to my dead grandmother and we really cleared up a lot of issues about my career and my love life.”

I get on a five hour surreal search for a bathroom to take a crap in. It won’t stop. Then I have to pee. But I’m still too tired. I do not want to get out of bed. So my dreams continue. The next thing you know I’m in jail and everyone is just sitting around the only toilet in Cell Block H and I’m like, “I’ll just hold it in fellas, thanks.” And they are all like, “you better go to the bathroom.” But I won’t. I’m yelling at the guards, “I REALLY have to go the bathroom but I can’t go under these conditions. And what am I even being charged with? I’m innocent!”

But I’m not innocent. I’ve done very bad things. And I can’t hold it in anymore.

So finally I get up, half asleep. Which is a process. I have to unplug my ipad. Don’t you? And I bring it into the bathroom. So now I’m sitting there and checking email, facebook, twitter, my blog, google+ if I’m feeling particularly intellectual, and I have to read from at least two books. I have a stack of books there. And then I check emails again because you never know what additional emails came in between 2:34am and 2:45am.

(Paris Hilton didn't eat for weeks before her jail time so as to avoid going to the bathroom)

And then there’s all that wiping. Who invented these bodies? Why can’t I just implant my brain into a clone that has no liver, kidney, stomach, and intestines and only needs a battery. Wiping is just disgusting. When you’re sitting there like this how in a million years do you think anyone is going to love you?

And then I messed up. I’m too tired. Now I have to take a shower. Its 2:45am and I already mentioned I hate showers but now I must take one. There’s no way I’m going back to sleep like this.

So I take the shower. I even shave in the shower. Why not? If I cut myself (1 time out of 5) then by morning I will have bled a few pints and it will be ok. So now I’m clean like a baby. The body is a disgusting disgusting animal. If I could float above it all the time and maneuver it like a marionette puppet I would be much happier.

Now I try to go back to sleep. Claudia’s murmuring. She’s half conscious. “Ok?” she murmurs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But why did that one guy make that one comment on that one site about me? Did he really have to do that? Should I respond to him? Am I going to let him get away with that? Or maybe it’s a she because it’s anonymous. And, I got some nice emails. Should I respond to them right away?

And what happens if the world is ending. Someone somewhere somehow said something about Greece again. Isn’t that just a beach resort? Why is someone even talking about it? I am never in my life going to Greece. I don’t want to keep hearing about it in the same sentence as the words “debt” and “world ending”.  I’ve never even used a Euro. Who needs them? Are they better than ipads?

(I will never go there)

Ugh, I left my ipad in the bathroom? How am I going to wake up at 5am and check my email, twitter, facebook, blog, stats, etc on the edge of the bed pretending to sleep so Claudia can get up and make the coffee?

So I get up again to get the ipad. But maybe I should at least answer those emails. So I go downstairs and now I’m up.

I hit the “on” button on the coffee. When I say “Claudia makes me coffee” all I really mean is “Claudia presses the ‘on’ button on the coffee machine.” So now I’m up, I have coffee, I read, but it’s a little too early for me and I have writer’s block.

So I write this.

 

 

  • Spyros

    Nice post, but you should really visit Greece at least once. :)

  • S34ndad

    1 in 5’s about the same for me, but I never realized it until this post

  • Sam Jones rendition of writer’s block
    http://tinyurl.com/42ydycq

  • Sam Jones rendition of writer’s block
    http://tinyurl.com/42ydycq

  • Anonymous

    You sound like my pregnant sister…having to go to the bathroom all night long!
    And…Does Claudia get to edit your posts before they go public? You write such personal things, I wonder if she ever says “No, no, no James! You may not talk about….”.
    Funny post today btw.  

  • Anonymous

    not only do I shave in the shower, I floss and brush in there as well!

    I don’t mind showering or going to the can, its my ‘fortress of solitude’.

  • tom

    You should have been born a fish.

    I guess it would have made blogging harder.

  • Nobel

    Wow, and I thought I’m the only person who has bathroom dreams (pretty nasty ones, at that). You just gave me an inspiration to write a post about my bathroom dreams sometime in the near future. Not sure how well-received it would be. But I guess if it is not well-received, I can always say it was your post that gave me the idea :-)

  • perhaps TMI
    here’s a theory learned in Japanese toilets. Western toilets increase wiping. Deficating in the woods may convince you – if your knees don’t give out

  • James E. Miller

    Ha! I take my iPad to the bathroom too and check email obsessively.  And I constantly have dreams where I am naked in very crowded situations but somehow I get over it and continue what I am doing while everyone stares.  I like to think they are just jealous.

  • C Pennybrown

    Maybe you should take a peep at The Financial Times. 

     Your comments about Greece being inconsequential are starting to remind me of Paulson’s statements that the subrime mess was “well contained.” Or the poster who tried to tell me that the brouhaha over subprime mortgages was just some “tempest in a teapot.”

    • Anonymous

      One could argue that in the long history of humanity that our current troubles with debt and deficits will be a small footnote and that worry about it while we’re having our allotted years is a futile pass-time…

    • I used to write a regular column for the FT. I don’t trust anything I read there. I’ll visit Greece. But once a beach resort, always a beach resort. If Rhode Island  defaulted I probably wouldn’t care either.

      I trust myself. If all of Europe default, I’ll survive. Don’t forget all of South America  defaulted in 1981 and we had about 80x the exposure to South America that we do to Europe. We survived.

      Another interesting stat. The US markets went straight up before the advent of the Euro. Then…straight down. Let’s get rid of that thing already.

  • Zussette Solares

    Hahaha I’ve been having a difficult time these past few weeks and every morning I look forward to your blogs to make me smile. I just read this one right before bed tonight and thought wow, this guy is great! Smart, funny, honest, you my friend are just great. Thanks for the blogs you truly inspire me

  • Anonymous

    The Euro may not last the year.  Will be interesting to see how that one plays out.

  • doug graves

    ‘Sometimes you get the bear.
    And sometimes the bear gets you.’
    Adam Ant, Very Long Ride

  • But you filled the space, here, :). I liked a lot previous post.

  • James! One thing I would love to hear you write about is something like “10 steps to owning a domain name and uploading your first website” because that stuff is SUPER confusing! Im trying to configure an FTP client right now to move a premade site I bought to my domain name that is hosted by godaddy… so confusing.

  • Nice article as always. If this is a Writer’s block day then I would love to have a writers block every day. btw, you should broaden your views about Greece. Visiting that particular island in the picture may help with your insomnia. It has with mine ;-)

  • i think i have the longest lasting smile i can’t get rid of this early in the morning from reading this, i shoulda taken a shower ;-)

  • Reading about your writer’s block just gave me writer’s block.  Think I’ll go read one of your posts about making a million dollars.

  • John Ware

    Jimmy – I’ve been to the future – you won’t have to worry about all this stuff then. Machines take care of it all. Oh, by the way, you were born 82.5 years too early. ;-)

    • Maybe I can live long enough to see the future come true.

  • Joe Oh

    I am working on my report and I had writer’s block so I read your blog about writer’s block.  I had a good laugh.. hope you have a good weekend.

  • Red Pencil Anon

    free rein. love you, though.

  • Holy crap. This is post should have been called writer’s constipation. I could’ve taken a shower instead.

    • Foljs

      That smell is yours? Yeah, you *should* have taken a shower instead.

  • Jay

    Not your most compelling effort, but someone once counseled me during a difficult time in my life to to always be the best that I can on any given day. Sometimes maybe that is simply not pooping in the bed.

    • Actually, I just sold the movie rights to this post.

      On a side note. The woman in the house across the street from me just started screaming at her grandmother and throwing glass in the street. I went outside, The woman, her mother, her grandmother, and her husband, all started yelling at me. I decided to see how close I could get to them before I got scared. It was quite the experience and by the time I got to them I think they couldn’t believe it. So they all went back in their house. Not a peep since. Now to write my next post.

  • Doc Hawkins

    1. If Greece Defaults they still will have a beach
    2. A bad day at the beach beats a good day anywhere else
    3. 90% Writer’s block is caused by a lack of beach time.

  • Mike Periboob

    Be careful James. Too much time on the can (like too little fiber in the diet) can lead to hemorrhoids–the surgery is not too bad, but the recuperation period is traumatic.

    I agree about the absurdly primitive machinery of the human body. The mind can be fairly impressive, but the plumbing would be an embarrassment to any intelligent designer. The technology is moving fast. How long do you think before we develop a computer into which we can upload our consciousness and dispense with the wet stuff?

  • Mike Periboob

    Not big on the bidet idea, and I dont like iPads. I prefer the good old fashioned Ultimate Workstation 
    http://gitez.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/6227.jpg

    • I’m afraid to click the link. Is the Ultimate Workstation a replacement for the bidet or the iPad? Yikes.

      • Mike Periboob

        Both, sorta

  • just name your coffee machine, “Claudia”…

  • just name your coffee machine, “Claudia”…

  • If you don’t like wiping why not get a set of three seashells?  ;)   Great post.

  • mars10

    This reminds one of the joke “It must have been an engineer who designed the human body. Who else would put a waste processing plant next to a recreation area?”

  • Dave

    How the hell can you take showers at 2:45am??? and still sleep right after?

  • Justme

    Hey James I heard Thomas Edison stole his idea from someone else who finally mastered the light bulb and was trying to get a patent on it. Seems Edison had a friend in the patent office who told Edison about this other guy and Edison got his patent first. So maybe Edison should be added to the steal column also and maybe a new category called have friends everywhere should be added.

  • The only way to get past writers block is to write your way through it. Which you did. 

  • mickeyray

    Need to take a dump in the middle of the night?
    …there’s an app for that…

    Actually, James, all you have to do is wear your Depends…

  • Reinvent77

    I think this was truly one of your funniest posts.  I laughed so hard I almost peed in my pants, I’m not in bed, yet.  hahahahaha  Thanks for the laughter.

  • Michael3223

    In your therapy sessions were you treated for anal retentiveness? 

  • Gina Catapano-Bentley

    Ok this cracked me up and reminded me why I’m stalking your blog…  

  • smithson

    Greece happens to be the best country on earth…best food, best ocean, best women, best history, best view on life.  The rest of the world running around like rats scrambling and going on about debt but when it comes to the basics Greece is incredible.

  • You should definitely go to Greece and the Cyclades Islands. There you will see how the greeks follow (unconsciously, of course) your post about killing stress. They just don’t give a ****…

  • Hhpa2

    This is truly the funniest post I’ve ever read. I hate those dreams where I have to pee and keep looking for bathrooms but never find one. Always obstacles. I’m just too damn tired to get up and actually go. James, you’re a genius. BTW, every child in the US should learn Latin and read Shakespeare.