Archive for January, 2013

  • How To Be An Effective Loser
    Posted by on January 28th, 2013 at 9:08 am, Comments: 0

    The theme song for my life is “Loser” by Beck. I don’t say this in a self-deprecating way. I’m not hoping for Claudia to come over here and say, “you’re not a loser, honey.” I’m a loser and proud of it.

    The song changed my life. When the song came  out “Melrose Place” and  “Beverly Hills 90210″ were the best shows on the air. Maybe you would laugh but these were my favorite shows. Everyone on there was beautiful and having sex with each other. Who wouldn’t want to watch that? And then there was me, the exact opposite of everyone on those shows. No way would Heather Locklear ever like me.

  • Finding Your Goal And Purpose In Life
    Posted by on January 22nd, 2013 at 9:49 am, Comments: 0


    When I was  twelve years old I had one purpose in life. I wanted to be a Colonel. And not just any colonel. I wanted to be an Honorary Colonel in the Kentucky State Militia. Just like my hero – Colonel Sanders. I had to start off slow – Kentucky was the glamor state to be a colonel of. First I started off with Mississippi. I called the governor, Cliff Finch, and interviewed him because for some reason that I still can’t figure out he was running in the primaries for President against another former Southern governor, incumbent President, Jimmy Carter.

  • Imaginary Letter from My Daughter to Me
    Posted by on January 18th, 2013 at 9:27 am, Comments: 0


    Imaginary letter from my teenage daughter to me:

    Dear Dad,

    I’m sorry I walked in the house the other day, didn’t say “hi”, and just walked into my room and locked the door. I have these hormones that are being triggered that are encouraging me to explore the world and that means I’m feeling an irrational need to not interact with the people I interacted with for the first thirteen years of my life. I hope you understand.

  • You Ever Have One of Those Days
    Posted by on January 16th, 2013 at 9:27 am, Comments: 0

    You ever have one of those days when it’s 3 in the morning in New York and you find a dark alley to smash a coconut to smithereens because you were told by a psychic it was good luck? And you needed that luck because you were going to lose your house and all of your possessions and you lost your job and all of your money and you were probably going to kill yourself if you didn’t smash this coconut.

  • The Six People You Must Find Today
    Posted by on January 14th, 2013 at 12:35 pm, Comments: 0

    Here’s a little story that must be told. Six people out of seven billion people were sent from deep space on a mission to Earth. Each of these people contains a part of a hidden message encoded in their DNA. You have twenty four hours to find all six people, to reach into their DNA to get the message, to line the pieces up to put the message together, and then to use your Captain Crunch decoder ring to decode the message.


    Once you do this, oxytocin will explode through your body, lighting up all of your pleasure centers. But don’t think about that now. Worry instead about the end of the world.