Archive for February, 2013

  • And Then Bad Things Happened
    Posted by on February 27th, 2013 at 11:18 am, Comments: 0

    It was Claudia’s birthday but everything turned to shit. We checked into a nice hotel in the city where I had booked a normal room. I mentioned it was Claudia’s birthday and they gave us a good upgrade for no additional charge. Marilyn Monroe apparently used to live in the room we were upgraded to. So we felt lucky.

    (hanging in the room: a picture of Marilyn leaning over the balcony of the room)

    (hanging in the room: a picture of Marilyn leaning over the balcony of the room)

    We were in the room when Claudia saw a roach.  A huge roach. I didn’t mean to kill it but I put a garbage can over it and it looked like I sort of only half got it because I peaked under the can and it looked squashed.

  • How to Treat Your Employees (or anybody else for that matter)
    Posted by on February 25th, 2013 at 9:23 am, Comments: 0

    Wade had sex with Karen and now I had to fire him. She was our top designer. And he was also starting to make fun of one of my partners behind his back. He’d do that roll-the-eyes thing whenever my partner spoke.

    Wade had caught the disease. The disease is very contagious and it spreads to the other employees quickly and it contaminates everyone’s work. Like a tumor you have to cut it out as soon as it appears. Wade was fired.

    (two employees kissing before they are fired)

    (two employees kissing before they are fired)

  • In Case You Missed It…
    Posted by on February 22nd, 2013 at 11:08 am, Comments: 0

    Someone just tweeted that they hate when someone tweets, “In Case You Missed It…”. Because probably nobody missed it so why tweet it again? This guy HATES that.

    I don’t know.

    Why all the hate? If I were to eat a tennis ball and then try to shit it out, I would hate that. That’s something worth hating.

    I hate when someone tweets, “I just shat out a tennis ball. In case you missed it, here is the video.” I hate that.

    (“I’m the Hero of this Story”)

  • Making Money. Living Large
    Posted by on February 20th, 2013 at 8:31 am, Comments: 0

    Instead of going to school, I hid in the back behind the chimney. I heard the garage door open and close twice. My parents were gone. I ran through the corn field out back to Route 27. I took the bus to NYC and got out at Port Authority.

    On 42nd Street guys would yell at me and try to grab my backpack, or say, “girls upstairs” or “knives, drugs, ID, guns”. Everything was for sale back then. I badly wanted to go upstairs and see the “girls” but I was afraid.

  • I Want To Be Like Google When I Grow Up
    Posted by on February 18th, 2013 at 9:54 am, Comments: 0

    Dear Google, I sort of want to have sex with you. Or I want you to be my father. Or my best friend. I don’t know, I feel so nervous writing this letter. I hope you write back but you can’t because you’re God and God has to care for all of Her People and not just one tiny little person like me.

    Dear Google,

    The other day I wanted to learn about “Vincent Van Gogh”. I saw a book in the bookstore but it looked boring and it was around 1000 pages. Who would read such a book?