Archive for May, 2013

  • Why Do Anything?
    Posted by on May 30th, 2013 at 10:02 am, Comments: 0

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    I don’t know.

    I don’t want to do anything. Everyone says things like:

    “I’m feeling stuck” Or, “I wish I knew what my purpose was” OR “I have lot’s of ideas, what do I do next?”.

    Do nothing.

    Why do you have to do anything?

    I was at a conference this past week. I was very intimidated by the other attendees. At least four bestselling authors there. Another guy who gets millions of views on his beautiful videos. Another guy sells a billion dollars worth of clothes per year. And on and on.

  • THERE’S NO PAINLESS WAY TO KILL YOURSELF
    Posted by on May 24th, 2013 at 2:23 pm, Comments: 0

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    I gave my 11 year old daughter important advice the other day: there’s no painless way to kill yourself.

    “What about with a gun?” she said.

    I told her about a friend of mine who shot himself in the mouth. He put the gun in his mouth and pointed upwards towards the brain.

    He missed.

    He shot off half his face, he went blind in one eye, and he is now in a wheelchair.

    If you type in “I Want to Die” into google, my website is the first result.

  • How to Win Friends and Influence People
    Posted by on May 21st, 2013 at 10:01 am, Comments: 0

    One time I tried to move into a homeless shelter in Pittsburgh.

    I had this image that it would be like some sort of sex dormitory. I would meet all of these homeless ex-prostitutes or lonely single mothers and we would sneak into each other’s rooms and fall in love.

    We would whisper really quietly to each other at night and it would be exciting and fresh and new.

    I asked the manager of the homeless shelter if I could live there. I said I wanted to do research for a book. I also said it was only one block from where I worked so I wanted an easy commute.

  • HOW TO QUIT YOUR JOB
    Posted by on May 17th, 2013 at 9:17 am, Comments: 0

    (When Clark Kent quit his job at The Daily Planet)

    (When Clark Kent quit his job at The Daily Planet)

     

    I wanted to quit my job. I hated my boss. He always yelled at me. I hated my co-workers. They always yelled at me.

    I was addicted to playing chess online. One time my girlfriend called at 6pm and said, “don’t forget, we have guests coming over for dinner in a half hour.”

    I said, “I’m just going to play one more game and then I will be home.”

  • The Benefits of Self-Publishing
    Posted by on May 15th, 2013 at 9:05 am, Comments: 0

    If anyone has any doubts about the stigma of self-publishing and whether or not it is here to stay you only have to check out the recently self-published and instant cult classic “Urine Therapy – How to Drink Your own Urine” by “Craig Smith”.

    According to “Craig”, urine is pretty sterile and contains excess “good things” that the kidney was not able to absorb. Getting those good things back in the body either through drinking them or massaging them into your skin could cure cancer, cure insomnia, relieve stress, cure HIV, increase survival in the desert, cure gonorrhea, and it might “even taste good once you get used to it.”