I woke up, pictured I had a gun to her head and blew her head off.
A close relative. I was upset at something she had done to me.
But then I was ashamed at being angry. I don’t really know what she is going through. Shame!
Or yesterday, I randomly was jealous of people who inherited a billion dollars. And then I was ashamed I was feeling so jealous. I’m better than that, I mistakenly thought.
I try to be perfect. I try to take the imperfections before anyone sees them and I put them in my pocket. I should NEVER be jealous, I think.
I don’t know.
But then my pocket overflows and I’m a mess. I can’t deny it.
Jealousy or anger is like a roadmap to your insides. It’s never about the other people.
I don’t even know the other people. They have their own problems.
Jealousy is the roadmap to where I feel unloved. Maybe I feel like I can’t be loved unless I have billions. Or unless I look like a movie star. Or unless I have 20 bestselling books.
I can’t fool myself. I can’t say, “I shouldn’t be jealous of that.” Because my body will say “Tough!” I am jealous of that!
A therapist told me, “the roots of this might go way back. Might go back to your toddler years.”
That seems like a lot of work to me. And a lot of therapy sessions. Like maybe I wasn’t breast fed enough and we’ll figure that out two years from now.
Who knows? The roots of jealousy can be anything.
The one thing I can choose is not to be ashamed of it. To say, “ok, this is my challenge for the day”. To accept it.
I have a problem with my relationship towards money. Thank you, jealousy, for pointing it out to me. It’s true.
I have a problem about my looks. Ever since some girl ran out screaming from art camp when I told her I liked her and she said, “NOT IN A MILLION YEARS! YOU LOOK LIKE DOG SHIT.”
Thank you jealousy. Apparently my looks were still good enough to help me meet a good woman. Maybe it’s my sense of humor.
The jealousy is unavoidable.
A) View it as a roadmap to what is going on inside of you.
B ) It’s never about the other person.
C) Jealousy is the first arrow. But the second arrow (shame, regret, etc) is what will kill you. That arrow stays in you and bleeds and infects you and never leaves.
D) Ask: what’s good about your jealousy? Since every con has a pro. If I don’t have enough maybe it means I can redefine “enough”.
If I don’t look so good it means I can develop my massive sense of humor. And bathe more.
E) Everyone feels it. We’re human. Join the club.
F) Never gossip. The other people don’t care about what you think. And what they think about you is none of your business.
G) The Daily Practice I mention in my book is like a nuclear shotgun aimed at jealousy and anger. In other words, go back to sleep. And only be around people you love. Always be preaching to the choir.
H) You can’t get rid of the jealousy. But you can dull it. You do that with gratitude. Sometimes it’s very hard to be grateful. Gratitude is a muscle. It needs to be exercised. Do it.
Right now I feel grateful I am healthy. I went to the doctor and she told me I was the healthiest 45 and a half year old in my town. Almost. Maybe only three or four others in front of me.
I have a good view from my hotel window. And I met great new friends this week and hung out with some old ones. Considering that I have very few friends to begin with, this is a blessing.
I’m grateful I got nine hours of sleep last night.
I’m feeling blessed right now. I can breathe again.
Go ahead take a deep breath.
What small things are you grateful for this second? Can you fight jealousy with me today? Please?