Many people want to end their marriages. I get it. Sometimes people marry for the wrong reasons and sometimes people marry the wrong people.
Or even better, sometimes you marry the right person but they married the wrong person. Or even worse, sometimes you married the right person but then you just want to screw it up because you get pleasure out of doing that.
Good for you.
Do what you want. Forget couples therapy or anything like that. 85% of people who go to couples therapy end up divorced. I made up that number. I have no idea.
But since many people either want to end their marriage or get pleasure out of it in some way I figured I would make it easy for them and give a complete guide on how to end your marriage.
I wrote this because a friend of mine is getting married this week. I figured I would give him this practical guide to ending his marriage for TWO reasons.
Perhaps one day he would need it. Or, hopefully, if he does the opposite of everything I suggest then he will have a long and successful marriage.
That’s good also.
So if you want to end everything, try any or all of the below:
– Always interrupt her when she is trying to explain a problem. Because she is DYING to hear your fantastic solution before she finishes talking.
Even better, when she’s talking you can say, “honey, it’s not the journey, it’s the destination.” By the way, I say “her” but it can easily be “him”. I am just saying this from a male perspective because I’m a man and I’ve been divorced.
– Eat a lot. Why not? It’s fun. And don’t shower or wear nice clothes ever. And never clean up after yourself. Let food drip down your face and use your finger to wipe your lips whenever you get a chance.
If you are not sure why this can ruin a marriage then don’t worry about it. You are well on your way.
– Openly flirt with other women. Even secretly flirt with other women since “the social wife network” is actually bigger and more powerful than the facebook plus the NSA.
This applies, of course, in reverse. Women should always flirt with other men if they want to ruin their marriage. Or just talk about other men. Same thing.
– Even better than the above (since flirting requires a lot of work): accuse her constantly of flirting or cheating on you. Read her emails, study her phone bills, spy on her, show up unexpectedly at places where you know she could be cheating on you.
– Stop surprising her. Even leave the door open when you are going to the bathroom. All the mysteries are over. We are all basically repulsive people. Let your spouse know how truly repulsive you are. Become even more repulsive, as if you were trying out for the circus. This could be a lot of fun in addition to ruining your marriage.
– Travel a lot and then when you are home, get too tired to spend any time with her. Your work is important, damnit! Travel for work to Las Vegas a lot.
– After you fight, get really passive aggressive and don’t talk to her until she apologizes. Even when she capitulates, take a day or two before you let things return to “normal”.
– Changing sheets, washing dishes, taking care of kids, cleaning the popcorn trail you leave on the floor – that’s her job. Or she should coordinate it with the maids.
– Disagree on whether or not to have children. And when you finally “cave in” always hold it against her to get other things you want. Like “alone time” for two or three week vacations by “yourself”.
– Find some things that consistently result in arguments. Make a deck of 52 cards with one argument-type written on each card. Cut the deck each day to determine the argument for that day. Like, for instance, which in-laws to spend Christmas with is usually a good one.
– Demand sex at odd times. Like at her mother’s house when everyone is in the room next to you. Or say, “I’ve always wanted to do it in a phone booth” and you are in the middle of New York City. Keep upping the challenge as you get older.
– Don’t take care of your teeth. You need good teeth to get married. But bad teeth will destroy even the best of marriages. Try to lose your teeth if you can. That gets them all infected along the way. Very attractive.
– Take her family’s side. She’s going to argue with her family. Always take their side.
Marriages are fun to end. You should try it. But if you don’t want to, then don’t do any of the things on the above list. If you can think of anything to add to this list, please tell me. So I can avoid doing them.
More importantly, sometimes when we want to save the good things in our life, it’s more important to do LESS of the bad things.
So whatever it is: a relationship, a job, an addiction, don’t try any new “techniques” or self-hurt books or whatever.
Try first to do less of the bad. Then maybe good things will happen.