The Myth of Great Sex
Out of 1,500+ podcast episodes I’ve done—hedge fund managers, billionaires, Navy SEALs, chess prodigies—I just did the only podcast dedicated to the mechanics of great sex.
Look, I get it.
There’s a reflex to keep it unspoken.
To not talk about “those things” publicly.
Which is ironic, given how much of our imagination circles around it. We may not discuss it openly, but it quietly governs more of our joy and regret than most things we do.
That’s why I had Dr. Nicole McNichol on the podcast to talk about her new book You Could Be Having Better Sex.
And the truth is probably not what most think.
The Case For Great Sex
Nicole is a human sexuality professor at the University of Washington.
She teaches 4,000 students a year about sex. She’s married. She’s grounded. She’s not running some secret red-light laboratory of techniques.
And she just published her new book, You Could Be Having Better Sex.
I went into the conversation with what I thought were reasonable assumptions.
For instance: for a guy, an orgasm is pretty much always good. So isn’t that the measuring stick? One to ten—how strong was it? Nicole dismantled that.
Great sex, she said, boils down to two things: pleasure and presence.
You’re not watching yourself from above, grading your performance like an Olympic judge. You’re not comparing yourself to porn. You’re not wondering if you’re doing it “right.”
You’re there.
And then she added something that most might not expect.
When researchers ask thousands of people what defines great sex, three themes consistently come up:
- Pleasure
- Caring
- Connection
Not “variety.” Not “intensity.” Not “advanced technique.”
Caring.
Which is not what most guys grow up hearing as the main performance metric.
The Truth About Chemistry
We also talked about chemistry. I’ve definitely used that word in my life.
“We had chemistry.”
“There was something there.”
She drew a distinction that felt… uncomfortably accurate.
That anxious, obsessive feeling at the beginning? Checking your phone constantly? Not knowing where you stand? The push-pull, hot-cold dynamic?
That’s not chemistry.
That’s uncertainty.
Sometimes even old wounds playing out.
Chemistry, she said, is feeling wanted.
Chosen. Seen.
Here’s the stat that surprised me the most: the number one sexual fantasy in America is feeling desired.
Which means all the “don’t text back too fast” strategies and mysterious aloofness might be optimizing for the exact opposite of what people actually crave.
No Wonder Everyone’s Anxious
We also talked about the “culture of chill.”
It’s now common to be physically involved with someone and still technically “just talking.”
And then everyone wonders why they’re anxious.
She suggested something radical.
Ask.
“I’m not sure what you’re looking for. Can you tell me?”
People are afraid to just ask.
Another important piece was how much non-sexual intimacy matters.
If the only time you touch your partner is when you want sex, touch starts to feel like a transaction.
A request. A negotiation.
But if you’re hugging, sitting close, casually affectionate without expectation, that feeds desire instead of pressuring it.
It’s less about performance and more about atmosphere.
So what separates bad sex from good sex?
Bad sex feels scripted. Performative. Transactional. Disconnected.
Good sex feels responsive. Mutual. Grounded. Wanted.
No dungeon required.
